My self and KY have connected on a whole new level, were even closer than we ever where. She looks to me a lot more for guidance and support as she knows she can trust me with her feelings and knows that I actually do understand more about her than she taught and that im learning as much as I can so that I can help her more.
We go horse riding and do private lessons together, she loves this, She’s very nervous after the fall from Snowy thoe. But big brave Ky, she got right back up there and she’s riding like a dream. I am shitting it but loving it at the same time; I fall in love with a horse called Bertie. He’s huge thoe and im still so nervous; it’s a lot higher up than I remembered lol.
Things were falling into place, it was still hard but picking up at last. Luca had found a new tutor. I really like her. You know when you meet someone for the first time and you just instantly like them, and you know your child will too. Well that’s the feeling I have with this girl. She’s perfect for Luca. She didn’t come through my door with a big glowing CV, she didn’t make out she was anything more than who she was. She took on board a lot more than the position for a tutor bargained for and that’s why I respected and trusted her, she wasn’t in it for anything but to help my child any way she could. I love this girl.
I was off to a lesson I booked just for me, it was part of my time out while kids in school. Part of my road to recovery. I drop Ky to school, but Luca is still asleep, he has a cold and had a rough few nights so I just taught he was catching up on some zzzzzs. I tell Vilma to listen out for him as he should be up soon. I got back from school run, but Luca is still asleep. Did you ever get a horrible eerie feeling take over your body? I am afraid to open the door to check on him, in fact im terrified but why?. I go in, all your worst nightmares before your very eyes, im numb as I process what I saw. OH MY GOD, VILMA CALL AN AMBULANCE NOW. My child, my beautiful baby boy was dead. I taught he was dead. Im trying to compose myself but I can’t. I get it together, his lips where blue, I couldn’t move them; it was like rigger had set in, his eyes were blank, expression less, and he was so cold and stiff. Luca wake up, please just wake up. I know first aid, you stupid woman maddie, you know first aid. I lay him flat, I give him mouth to mouth and compress his chest, Luca please, Vilma is on the floor screaming, right she’s doing all the panicking for me, I can concentrate on this. I grab my phone, ring the ambulance while I gently shake Luca and rub his chest roughly.
Oh my god, a gentle week cry, oh god, he’s alive, Jesus , Luca stay with me baby, Luca, come on, don’t you dare leave me, im keep annoying him and prodding him, Luca, Luca, stay with me, STAY WITH ME. The ambulance comes, straight on the stretcher and hooked up to machines, Balinasloe hospital here we come (AGAIN)
Its all good, he’s still white as a sheet but some colour is back in his face. The nurses check him every 10 mins, I ring DH, he is barely able to compose himself. Luca is his life, you have no idea how much he loves and worships this child. He races home from Dublin (he was working as he does there once a week, every week) He even almost hit a swan that decided to park it's arse on the m6 for a rest. Mental traffic, I taught I was going to get news that he too was in a hospital bed, I was sick with worry in every way.
Luca is observed day and night, my husband had his net book and 02 stick in his bag from work, and he left it with me in the hospital as he knew I wouldn’t sleep a wink watching Luca constantly. Ah netbook, I can talk to my FB girlies, no better women for a time like this. Andra had been down this road so many times with her own son, she walks me through every step of a seizure, I never felt more comforted than I did that night, all my girls were just short of hugging me for real and holding mine and Lucas hand all night.
The Peads team came round the following morning, they asked their questions etc, we’ll be back soon, they were setting up and ECG for Luca. Believe it or not I had an appointment upstairs in the same hospital that morning. I had a kidney stone earlier that month which caused me horrendous pain and I was to be booked in for a ct scan. I went to see the Doctor, there is a huge queue. Your having a laugh, I can’t sit in that. DH is downstairs with Luca but I wanted to see the Doctors as you know your self, men are brutal for things like that.
I tell the nurse my situation, she gets me in next, ah woman I could f*****g kiss you right now. The doc is talking away, I have no clue what he’s saying to me, he asks me am I on the same planet, nope, I explain all, Ok we’ll book you for a scan, anything in mean time call us, get back to your son, thanks see ya. I boot it down stairs or up, can’t remember lol.
The peads team came back around, they will book Luca in temple street for an EEG, they tell me they will never know cause or if it will ever happen again. What kind of an answer is that, oh that puts me at ease. I understand it thoe, they cant, how can they. Luca is allowed to go home as ECG was normal. Thank god.
Both me and DH don’t sleep for weeks maybe months after. Im afraid to sleep, we take it in shifts and we watch on a baby cam that has been in Lucas room since birth. Every time I nod off I wake up with nightmares, he’s dead, he’s dead. DH having to calm me down and I run to monitor to check, I cant function anymore, my worst nightmare actually almost came true. I’ve never been more terrified in my life. The taughts of loosing one of my children or harm coming to any of my children terrifies me. How do you recover from this? I get lots of advice and support from the girls and Andra especially.
Posted by coolkid at 8:33 AM
God Mandie, reading this again brings back the horror of a seeing your child like that. I will never get the image of Munchkin, blue, stiff and lifeless after her seizures not knowing if she was going to breath again, and the hours of sleeping afterwards not able to be woken... I just thank the stars that she only ever had two and don't know how Andra saw her poor baby have so many and come out the other side! I remember the night in question and the girls rallying on FB wanting to know how Luca was and if you were ok. As you said, if we could have reached through the computer to hold your hand we would have xxx
January 4, 2010 8:56 AM
Don't know how you are still in one piece girl!
January 4, 2010 9:00 AM
oh god, mandie - every parent's worst nightmare! what an amazing story xx
January 4, 2010 9:02 AM
Mandie, it is every parents worst nightmare and quite a few of us have gone through it here, I am just glad I could help you in a very small way get through that night, sure isn't that what this fb autie group is for afterall, we can never under estimate the help and support we receive from one and other, its what keeps us all going. xxx
January 4, 2010 10:15 AM
that sounds like a horrible experience but your little one is lovely in the pic above, am glad you had support at such a stressful time x
January 4, 2010 10:55 AM
hope your feeling better now. what a terrifying thing to happen, glad you had support when you needed it x
January 4, 2010 10:58 AM
Ah Mandie what a complete nightmare...Im so glad he came through it OK XXX
January 4, 2010 11:36 AM
God I am here in tears at the thoughts of finding one of my baby's like that. Can't imagine what you went through
January 4, 2010 11:59 AM
Looking for Blue Sky said...
It was my worst nightmare when my littlie started to go blue on me in Temple Street. I'll never forget it, I screamed and screamed, and doctors and nurses came running from all directions. It must have been so much worse for you at home, I'm just so glad he pulled through for you xx
January 4, 2010 12:04 PM
Blondie gal said...
Mandie, I just read your last few blogs and have a lump in my throat. Am at a loss for words but Luca is a little battler and I just wanted to say I really admire your strength, the very best wishes for you all for 2010.
January 5, 2010 11:09 AM
Jesus mandie, look at how pale he was in the photo, cant imagine how it must have felt, glad i was able to get to see ya after and we had that night out xx