Itchy feet and wanderlust in the mid-life wasteland...
Posted Aug 29 2009 9:09am
"Out here in the fields
I fight for my meals
I get my back into my living
I don't need to fight
to prove I'm right
I don't need to be forgiven"
From "Baba O'Riley" written by Pete Townshend
It has been a crazy hectic busy week. Always is the right before school starts. School supplies, shoes, clothes...getting the herd used to the idea of a changing schedule. As always, they all seem to have grown at least a foot. Sammy at almost eleven is about five inches shorter than me, and I am five feet five and a half inches tall. Oscar at eight is not too far behind him. Both of them wear size 7 shoes...in men's. I am going to have some very big boys in a few years. Hopefully by then, they will be willing to carry in the groceries...or better yet-Carry me! Oh I can see it now.."Mom? (they won't call me mama anymore-Sammy is already outgrowing it) can you make me lunch? I'm hungry." I'll just look at them and say "I can't go to the kitchen...my legs are tired...carry me." Oh the fun I'll have!
So many changes happening. My kids are growing up. This year I will have three of the four in school full time, and Zoe in a part time.( pre-school) I have fantasized about this day-when all of them were out of the house..when I could listen to music without one of them yelling "mama! turn that noise down!" when I could clean without someone following behind me and remaking the mess..when I could sit down and just think-my own thoughts. When the background noise was of my own choosing and not of Pokemon or caillou. Oh I am giddy with expectation!
Sigh...I know what's going to happen though. They will get on the bus that first day of school, and I will waltz into the house. I will put on music and start the cleaning..singing at the top of my lungs the whole time. I'll get done in record time because no one is around to interrupt me. There will be no one to ask for snacks or socks, no fighting..no laughter...no one asking to be picked up or for a hug. Just silence. I'll start to think..."I wonder how Oscar is doing?..I wonder if Sammy is feeling less stressed..How is Lily handling her first full day?...Zoe should be home in two hours..I hope she isn't too anxious, being away from me for the first time...she is so little..she is uncomfortable in large groups...I wonder if she needs me..and then I'll start to cry.
It's hard watching them grow up. For eleven years I have been the center of a small little universe...that revolved around me. Now their universe has expanded. I am being replaced by friends, school, activities...which is what is supposed to happen. My kids have worked very hard at trying to navigate their way around this world of ours. It has not been easy-but they have done it-because I asked. Now they are doing it because they want to. How incredible is that? Sometimes it is just so hard getting what you wished for.
I know I still have years of getting snacks and finding books ahead of me. Years of fighting and laughter and hugs. You never do get to stop being a mom. It is just that for the first time, I am sensing the end of a chapter....and the beginning of another. One in which I am not the main focus...and I find that bittersweet. I am awed by all of my herds accomplishments. They are wonderful kids. I just seem to be finding myself at loose ends. I have itchy feet and wanderlust. There are so many things I still want to do, adventures to be had, dreams to be fulfilled. Only I am finding myself caught in this mid-life wasteland. I am still very much needed at home, but to a much lessor degree. I have too much time on my hands but not enough time to do anything about it.
So on that first day of school, when I am done doing all the necessary things that make our house livable..I am going to sit myself down with a big cup of coffee..maybe do a little writing, do a little dreaming. I have my own next chapter to plan. I am certainly not going to waste my time crying. Besides, I have to dream up ways in which to torment my older kids! Lets see...I'll ask them to carry me because my legs are tired...maybe wake them up in the middle of the night because I'm lonely? I know! I'll throw a temper tantrum in the middle of the supermarket, right in the entrance, so they will have to carry me kicking and screaming out of the way...oh the possibilities are endless... There is no ending to possibility.