How to Deny the Vaccine Autism Connection: A Play in One Act

Patient: Doctor, my son has this terrible headache. He's dizzy

and he's been fainting a lot. He says his arm is numb.



Dr. Steinway: What happened?



Patient: We were walking down the street and a piano fell on

his head.



Dr. Steinway: I see. Mmmm. Anything else happen at the time

that might have caused this?



Patient: What do you mean, "anything else?" A PIANO FELL ON HIS

HEAD!



Dr. Steinway: Perhaps, but that's only a temporal coincidence.

Several epidemiological studies done by eminent scientists have failed

to find a connection between pianos and concussions. The cause could

be any number of environmental factors. Kids get bumped by stuff all

the time. Only a rare few get concussions. Maybe your child has a

genetically predisposed soft skull. Any family history of concussions?

Münchhausen by Proxy? Hypochondria?



Patient: But I was there! I saw it falling from the second

story of a piano factory! I couldn't get him out of the way fast

enough and he caught a piece of the candelabra. If it's not the

piano, what else could it possibly be?



Dr. Steinway: Hysteria, guilt. What you're telling me is

called "anecdotal evidence". Such evidence can be either evaluated

for further research, or completely dismissed as useless without even

looking at it, depending on the interests or bias of the researchers.

The important thing is that it isn't pianos . . .hey wait, where are

you going, we're not through. . .



Patient: I'm going to look for care somewhere else, and to see

a lawyer to sue the piano company. . . and maybe even you.



Dr. Steinway: [to himself] Uh huh, lawyers. I thought someone

might have put her up to this. Lawyers. . .taking advantage of

ignorant hysterics looking for something to blame for their woes. . .

The problem's not pianos, the problem is lack of tort reform. . .she

wouldn't even let her kid have one of our complimentary "We're Silly

for Eli Lilly" clinic balloons.