How to cope with the things people say ?

One of the hardest things for mums and dads of autiesis  what I call  the “coming out”.

Of disclosing to the world that your child has autism

The breezy question of “Howsthe little one”?

To which you have till this day, always replied “doing great”

Do you now just state baldly “ well actually he has autism now !”

When we first found out, I told just my very close friends (those with who had discussed with me the all consuming  “does he/doesn’t he” of the months beforegetting an official diagnosis of he-does) .

 I told them these close friends by emailand I also told them that I did not want to talk about it at all.

Many people said kind things "Must be hard.. how can I help ?"

But the words of other people ( even when  well meaning ) hurt so deeply

"Did you see that Larry king show" ( where the mother wastaking about killing herself?) 

"I read this great book - this mother stopped giving her kid cheese andhe became unautistic "( thanks for letting me know )

"I used to think i had it tough .. after seeing what you are goingthrough -- I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself "( Ialways planned to get to the bottom rung of the pity ladder )

Will you be taking him to Vegas to play the slots?

Just curious.. if you could do it again what would you do different …Youmust really regret vaccinating your child( ouch !!)

Do you think itsbecause you were so stressed when you were pregnant?”( what a comfort, knowing that it may have been my fault !!) 

“These are chosenchildren of God!” or –“this is just apenitence for past sin” or “god hasonly given this to you because you are strong”( wasn’t feeling so lucky tobe chosen )

And the worst "Soon they will be able to screen forautism in utero and we canprevent autism "

How it hurt!

But the truth is that most people were  just looking for something to say.

Often ,in fact,  they  were trying to read my attitude to see whatwould be  right thing to say.  

Should they should sympathize or offersomething uplifting?

Sometimes, of course,  they were not thinking at all

But, almost never, was anyone looking to hurt

The intent was usually kind

All my life Ihave been deeply in love with words.

So much of my childhood filled with pleading formore reading time while my mom told me I was ruining my eyes and threatened  to turn the light switch off !

But being loved so deeply by R - my child silentfor so long - taught me to look beyond words 

And it makes all the difference to how I feel about what isactually said


The second thing that has really helped, has been falling back in love with my life and realizing once more that we have the best kid in the universe.


.And being able to truthfully answer" he's great ". A cue to starting conversations that focus on the positive and the possible 


The third thing that has made a difference has been to teach myself to be a little less sensitive