Hello and other neurotypical attention seeking tactics
Posted Nov 10 2008 4:51pm
At a seminar I attended, a woman was concerned about her daughter, who had been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. The girl refused to say "hello" to people, which it seems, is considered the height of rudeness, right up there with ignoring a ringing telephone, in the NT community.
The speaker responded with several approaches to social skills training for the errant young woman. First, though, she listed a number of reasons an autistic person might not be saying and doing what she "should". The most likely possibility seemed to be that she was absorbed in her own thoughts (perhaps that separate world we are said to inhabit?) Also mentioned was the Theory of Mind deficit that was probably keeping this girl from knowing that other people expect you to say hello upon seeing them.
What wasn't mentioned, what seemed perfectly obvious to me, was the fact that "hello" is a basically meaningless word. Or to look at it from a different angle, it's nothing but attention seeking. "Here I am, and yes, I see you are here too!" As far as I can tell this is what "hello" means. It seems pretty illogical, to this Aspie anyway, that every encounter should need to begin with this statement of the obvious.
I've gotten used to it of course, and regularly say hello to people I meet. As a teenager and younger adult, though, I was far more loyal to my logical instincts and very much resented the requirement to greet everyone. I did not at all appreciate being given a script of what to say. I like to choose my own repetitive (meaningless? not to me) scripts. Hello was a thorn in my allegedly non- metaphor-understanding autistic side. These days it's an annoyance of smaller magnitude, but make no mistake, it still is one.
How many times in a day is one required to say "Hello" to a single person? I'm talking about someone who works or resides in the same building and no one has left and come back. I would think one time, possibly twice on a long day, separated by several hours in between. But no. Several residents in the building where I work behave as if they've been slighted if I don't say "hello" upon every passing in the halls. A couple of them will comment, "Not speaking today?" or "You don't say 'hello' anymore?".
Sometimes I think about saying it in my own words. "I see you" or something similar. It would be seen as rude, I guess, to try to improvise on the word. One must adhere to the script in this case, or risk being viewed as hostile. I have tried telling people that I have a 2 hello limit, and to some, this has been acceptable, if amusing. They tend to forget though, reminding me every time they pass, Here I Am. I Recognize You. I Am Walking Down This Hall, You Are Too. We Wish Each Other Well, Or At Least Nothing Terrible. I Know You. I See You There. Do You See Me? Hello.
The speaker responded with several approaches to social skills training for the errant young woman. First, though, she listed a number of reasons an autistic person might not be saying and doing what she "should". The most likely possibility seemed to be that she was absorbed in her own thoughts (perhaps that separate world we are said to inhabit?) Also mentioned was the Theory of Mind deficit that was probably keeping this girl from knowing that other people expect you to say hello upon seeing them.
Sometimes I think about saying it in my own words. "I see you" or something similar. It would be seen as rude, I guess, to try to improvise on the word. One must adhere to the script in this case, or risk being viewed as hostile. I have tried telling people that I have a 2 hello limit, and to some, this has been acceptable, if amusing. They tend to forget though, reminding me every time they pass, Here I Am. I Recognize You. I Am Walking Down This Hall, You Are Too. We Wish Each Other Well, Or At Least Nothing Terrible. I Know You. I See You There. Do You See Me? Hello.