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Full circle-steam ahead...

Posted Jun 16 2012 7:00am
~"Deep in my heartSave from the guardsOf intellect and reasonLeaving me at a lossFor words to express my feelings"~ Tracy Chapman


It started with a potato chip ..Well, actually it started a little before that..Almost a year ago, I decided to take a semi break from blogging.  Some of the herd are getting older..they are starting to find their individual feet...go their own way. Although these are all really good things..wonderful things even....there was a part of me that was mourning...and conflicted.   With one hand I am pushing them forward...but...at the same time..I was clinging desperately hanging on with the other. I needed to take some time...figure things out.*sigh*.learn to let go.

 And then this happened. A silly accident that caused me to be on crutches for much of the summer....leaving me at the mercy in the care of four children. Without any way of escaping!! There I was stuck on the couch-there was no place to run (if I could)...nowhere to hide..unable to even get myself a cup of coffee. Subjected to seemingly endless hours of strange television..and YouTube videos...and children..four wonderfully "helpful" children who made me their purpose in life....when it was convenient..and it didn't interrupt with their television and computer time. They did however learn valuable life skills such as..doing laundry and the reason we fold it straight from the dryer(because we don't like being told that we need to go ALL THE WAY upstairs to put something unwrinkled on), that it was a good idea to clean up smeared peanut butter  immediately-because it took lots of work to clean it up after it hardened-not to mention the hours spent looking for a chisel to do so...and that leaving the front door open invited very large bugs into the house...bugs that their incapacitated mother could not kill entice to leave. As for me?  I learned that these kids of mine were much more capable than I had let them be.More willing and certainly more able. Letting go is so hard!  Still, I was ecstatic out of my mind with joy very happy when the school bus pulled up to our front door late in August.

  I was really apprehensive about this school year-especially for my Oscar.(photo of Oscar at about 18 months)  Much (not all) of fourth grade had been a wash...Oscar wasn't really pushed all that hard..(for the most part) I think that it gave him the message that his participation was not really necessary..So-my boy-being who he is-ran with it. He was sort of content to block out the noise...to live in his computer worlds of Mario, Skippy Jon Jones and all things sponge-bob.  But at the same, time more and more-the world off  screen calls to him. He just hasn't been too sure of exactly how to answer it-or , if he even really wants to. Oscar has had some pretty amazing people in his school life.  People who have worked very hard to help him. In some cases going above and beyond what was dictated by his IEP.   But..this year..this year he needed more.  This was a transition year-his last year of elementary school. It meant that Oscar-my boy who hates change..was going to have to get ready to leave the only place he has known for seven years. All of us a chez herd were feeling the strain long before he got on the school bus last August.

  Seven years ago, Oscar started school kicking and screaming.  Well, actually more screaming than anything. I don't think that there was a week where I wasn't called in to help calm him down.  Or at least it felt that way. From the time school started each day-till the time he got off the bus...it was anyone's guess as to what would happen. Would he be happy? Stressed? Overwhelmed?  There really were no indicators as to how it was going to go. I lived my life in a state of constant alert.  I was so afraid..afraid that he would hurt himself..or someone else.  Afraid that he might be asked to leave school..afraid that he couldn't do it.  That my belief that he COULD participate-was based solely on my own need for him to do so. It was a terribly scary and lonely time for me.  I could not think of anything other than putting one foot in front of the other-of getting Oscar through one day, one moment at a time...and slowly (sometimes VERY slowly) things got better..What a difference seven years makes.

  As I said before, He has had some pretty wonderful people around him.  From his speech therapist(who is amazing) and his case workers..to his different aids. Everyone has played a part.  It hasn't been an easy ride-there have certainly been glitches..but we have all muddled through... learned as we went.  This past year though..has been different. This was a transition year.  Oscar needed more-and even though I didn't realize it...I needed more.  Oh how I worried-*sigh*.

  What a waste of time that was. (hey, hind site is 20/20!) The people around him..well, I could not have asked for more-they gave everything and then some...From Ms. H who not only insisted he be a vital participant in her class-and especially for giving him moments where he could shine(having him teach the class about sound waves comes to mind!)...and Mrs. H..who refused to let him quit(and I know he tried...and tried)-who woke up his love for science..who allowed him to be himself and loved him for it. Through you-he learned that his words had substance and meaning...that even though they might be different- they counted..more importantly-that HE counted. And I can't forget to mention Mr. G. who oversaw it all...He may have (from time to time) used "sensitive guy" words like "explore" and "feelings"..but he ALWAYS made sure that I was kept informed and ALWAYS supplied me with chocolate at our monthly meetings-not only was he Oscar's support system-but he was mine as well.. ..All of them will be horribly missed next year.  Although I am not quite sure who will miss them more.  Oscar or...me.

  So, last Tuesday, in a small ceremony, the boy who entered the school kicking and screaming, quietly walked out with his fifth grade certificate. I don't know what the next year holds for him. At the moment,  Oscar.. well...he doesn't seem all too concerned.  I on the other hand will Probably spend most of the summer worrying..

Oscar lounging after  his ceremony. 

     Hey! I'm a mother-it is my job to worry...and sometimes it seems to be what I do best.  Besides, it isn't as if I have anything better to do..well, besides try to hide from my overly "helpful" children. Yup-just like last summer..I am once again stuck in a cast.  This time recovering from the surgery to fix the foot that didn't heal last summer. *SIGH*
History sometimes has a strange way of repeating itself.  I just hope that this year it doesn't include peanut butter, chisels or giant bugs....
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