I was SO down this afternoon. I don't know why, exactly, but it was rainy and ugly. I was alone a lot. But it also had a bit to do with feeling not quite adequate at my teaching jobs. My downfall seems to be that I'm too soft. I can't stand being tough with them if it feels arbitrary. Instead the way I treat them is with a lot of respect and with self-empowerment. I tell them that the Rough Draft is for them, not for me. Having it done in phases is the way will help them piece it together thoughtfully and not last minute. But they are college students, and so...
They seem so happy in my class; it is very alive but sometimes it is too alive, and I can't rein them in. So I feel bad about my effectiveness, even though I adore them and the subject matter. I was renewed for second semester, to teach the literature class, so I'll be in the same boat then!
So I got home and had no energy for some reason (damned Atkins which allows only 20 carbohydrates in a day, but dammit again, it works!! You lose weight so quickly.). All I could do was the stupid New York Times Sunday Crossword which is so hard this week!!
So blah blah blah, poor me. Still missing Natty so much, it is so hard knowing I did the right thing. I don't know when this regret will heal.
And then Max walks in with a package in the mail. I thought it was a belated birthday present, but -- even better! It was a Prada handbag!!! A real one, not a knock-off. I know that because it was sent to me by my former publicist, whom I adored. We had such a friendship, it transcended business. She is very spiritual and just lovely. But -- the first day I met her she was carrying the most lovely bag I have ever seen: it wasn't red, and it wasn't pink. It was just the perfect shade. I said, "I have to tell you, I love your bag!"
She said, "Oh my God. I never do things like this, but -- it's a Prada." She bought it because something amazing had just happened, and there it was, in its leather perfection. "I'm really a TJ Maxx person."
After we got to know one another, she said, "You know what? I will give you my bag after your book comes out and does really well."
I never thought she meant it. But there it is, just waiting for me to fill it with crap.