"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones
who will choose your rest home"
FOR SALE: Mother. Well groomed LIGHTLY wrinkled older model, slightly used. Very experienced. Skilled at multi-tasking. Can cook, clean, shop, assist with homework, do laundry, unclog and repair any toilet, make beds, make appointments and miraculously remove peanut butter, yogurt, and "other" things from carpet, walls and windows. Educated and well read. Can recite from memory the major works of Eric Carl, Judy Schachner and Dr. Seuss. Would do best in a quiet home. Current owners are sadly UNABLE to appreciate this model. Call now! No reasonable offer refused!
Sigh...sometimes your kids..sometimes they just wear you out. You know?
"Lily?..Can you please go pick up the stuffed animals that are all over the playroom floor?"
"Why? I didn't do it."
"I know you didn't, I did. I was looking for something in the toy box."
"Well, it's your mess. You clean it up!"
"Hold on a minute Sammy.. Excuse me? I'm asking you for some help...SIGH!"
"Well I didn't do it. You have to clean up your own mess."
"Sammy-hold up a sec buddy.. Lil, I was just upstairs cleaning up the mess YOU made in your room, then I did the laundry-yours included, now I'm making brownies for everyone. My hands are kind of full at the moment. I see no reason why you couldn't help me!"
"You were supposed to remind me to practice trombone"
"What? Tromb..Sammy! hold on a second
"Well you have to do those things...that's your job."
"No Lil, I don't. I could send you to school in dirty clothes, I don't HAVE to bake desserts for you..my mother only let us have apples..apples Lil! For dessert! Is that what you want? I didn't have to clean up your room...I did it because I was there and it didn't bother me to..so I am now asking you to help me. It is five stuffed animals. The dogs will eat them if they are on the floor. So could you PLEASE go and pick them up for me?"
" I can't, my legs are tired."
"Mama..why didn't you remind me!"
" Sam! ...Fine. Then I am too tired to make you dinner..and no dinner-no brownies."
"ALRIGHT! I'll clean them up..sheesh!"
"Thank you...now what about the trombone?"
"You didn't remind me to practice."
"But..go practice..why are you reminding me to remind you..Oscar what are you doing?"
"Because you are supposed to remind me."
"I'm looking for Willy"
"Wait..Sammy that makes no sense..where is Willy, Oscar?"
"It is your job to remind me to practice"
"Lost lost lost...Willy is lost he's gone...oh where oh where is Willy!"
"No Sam..we talked about this...you need to take some responsibility for practicing...remember the contract..oh come on Sammy, don't cry"
"Gone gone gone...Willie is dead..flushed down the toilet.."
"Oh Sammy.. if it makes you feel.. Crap! Oscar did you flush willie?!! Sammy please just..come here buddy..please stop crying...Oscar!
"Can I have a hug?"
"Say "where oh where is Willy" mama...SAY IT!"
"Sammy of course..um..Oscar..DID YOU FLUSH WILLIE?"
"Hahahahahahah! NO! I was just joking! where oh where is willy?..hahahahaha!"
"Mama?... you are starting to look like an old person..you have old people lines.."
"Mama you DO look old...is your face supposed to do that?"
"Do what?? What is my face doing?!..Oscar toilet jokes are not funny"
"Don't worry Mama, we still love you"
"O.K.... WWWiiiilly WWiiiilly! say it mama!..Say "Where oh where is WWWiiiiilly?"
" Where oh where is WWii...So you're NOT going to love me when I get really old and wrinkly?"
"I'll always love you Mama..even when you're all worn out"
"I'm all worn out NOW!!..Oscar..I'm not that wrinkly..."
" Mama...where are you going?"
" Somewhere me and my wrinkles appreciated.."
"You are going to sit with the dogs?"
"They at least appreciate me..they don't care that I'm old..as long as I feed them, they are happy-they don't need anything else..maybe a pat..a rub on the belly.."
"We appreciate you Mama."
"Even though I'm wrinkly.."
"Yeah...we appreciate you mama AND your wrinkles....what does appreciate mean?"
"It means that you acknowledge the good things that I do for you and you are thankful."
"Oh. Does that mean I still have to clean up the playroom?"
"Mama wants us to rub her belly..hahahahaha!"
"No I don't Oscar you goon...it would just be nice if you guys would helped me out now and again..do some things without me having to ask you fifty million times..clear the table..carry up your laundry..keep the play room clean..simple things..you know?Lil, you still need to clean up the playroom."