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Paris, Paris, Paris, we see right through you, girl.

Posted Sep 14 2008 3:57pm

Paris Hilton has issued the following statement through attorney Richard Hutton:

"After reading the media's coverage of my court hearing, I feel the need to correct what I believe are misperceptions about me. I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is. I could not live with myself if anyone was injured or killed while I was driving while impaired. Clearly, no one should -- no matter how slightly.

"I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation.

"No one is above the law. I surely am not. I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated worse."

Translated this means:

My lawyers are getting nervous because they mistook my train-wreck like appeal for real affection from the public but now that they realize that most people would love to high five that judge who didn't buy my "I'm both rich and stupid so why should I be held accountable for my actions" attitude in court last week, they're circling the wagons and trying to come up with something that makes me look like suddenly I give a crap about this whole drunk driving thing and have all along or that appeal is going to work as well as my last court appearance did. They're all about to poo in their pants because if they don't get me off this charge, ho-hum, they won't be in daddy's lawyer cadre and will have to go back to working a real job instead of taking their daily scheduled kiss-my-daddy's-butt turn behind his desk.

I, of course, did not read or say any of that press release because, as I so clearly stated in court, I'm much too busy to talk to my lawyers about this case and I don't read things. My job in life is mostly to put on outfits that don't include panties and decide whether my hair looks better up or down with my big sunglasses today.

Paris072406_03

(Kathy Hilton appears to reinact her respectful comment to the judge in court last week.)

Currently I am in a shopping and booze-induced coma along with my mother who feels that responsibility and accountability in life is for "the little people". She's been constantly on the phone getting advice from her good friend Leona Helmsley.

My mom was once quoted as saying “Making a difference in the world includes being a good person." Obviously, she wasn't referring to anyone in our family.

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The Hiltons seem to be saying "This is the fruit of our parenting. Inheriting hundreds of millions of dollars and laying on a beach at one of our hotels for life is not enough for our little girl. Being a public laughing stock and official representative of Americans as a culture of banal, self-involved, sex and booze-driven cancers on society are the only goals in life that will do for our little girl. We couldn't be prouder.":

By the way as a Paris update, this was reported yesterday by celebrity blogs:

Despite having her license suspended, Paris was followed by photographers as she lost her way in LA, finishing up in a dead-end even after reading print-out directions. Photographers also reported she pulled three u-turns in a search for her final destination."

Well, I don't know about you but now I'm really convinced she meant every word of that "I take the law seriously" press release her lawyers wrote and orated for her. Soooooooo...how's she going to say that she didn't know her license was suspended THIS time?

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