I might be movin’ to Montana soon…

That song popped into my head the other day. I was sitting in our little RT office in the ER, staring at the computer screen and waiting for somebody to get hurt. I had been discussing the relative merits of being a respiratory therapist with another RT who had come down from the ICU to visit. One thing led to another, and we began discussing time’s relentless march.

“You know, I’ve always wondered what else I would have done with my life. I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be a pilot, fly planes around and live in the sky and whatnot. But the job market’s gone all to hell there…there’s no security or stability in flying.” The other RT nodded as I spoke, and I stared off into space, imagining myself in the cockpit of a regional prop plane zooming through the sky. The RT spoke.

“I never really wanted to do this either, but the thing is, it’s so stable. I never wanted to have anything to do with medicine. Sick people are disgusting. I guess I always wanted to be an actor and get up on stage and thrill people. But there’s no stability there either, you know? Being in medicine there is always work. I thought about nursing but it’s gross, and radiology seems so boring. And PT takes so long to get anywhere. I guess that’s how I got into RT. But I don’t know where else to go. I thought about being a nurse anesthetist but you have to be a nurse first, and I thought about doing something else in medicine but…respiratory seems like such a good scam! We can come and go, walk around, see all different places, and a lot of people forget we’re even here. It’s not so bad.” We laughed at the truth of this statementand the therapist continued.

“The only problem is, I don’t know where to go from here. I would love to find something more fulfilling. I don’t want to wake up one day and find I’ve been an RT for twenty years. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I just…want to do something different.” I nodded.

“I know what you mean. I like being an RT. But I feel like there’s something more I could be doing.”

“Do you have any plans?”

“Not really. Sometimes I think about going to PA school. The money’s better and they’ve got a wider scope of practice, but I wonder if I should stay in medicine. Sometimes things stick with me, you know? I try not to bring it home, but sometimes I slip a little. I love taking care of people and I love those good moments when it really feels rewarding, but it seems like the stress is just…not proportional some days. What about you, any plans?”

There was a pregnant pause. She stared off into space, much as I had been doing earlier. The silence grew and I watched her think. She spoke.

“Not really. I guess I’ll travel someday, maybe go out west. I’ll find something…I hope I’ll find something.” As she spoke the two of us stared wistfully at the scene on the computer desktop, a mountain view showing beautiful rolling mountains in the distance over an empty plain.

“You know I traveled once. I loved it. Freedom, good pay, great benefits. The potential to go anywhere was amazing. My biggest regret about it is that I never got to go out west. I’d love to go out to the plains or the mountains, you know? Get up to North Dakota or–”

“Nobody lives in North Dakota! There’s like one guy there!”

“Well sure. That’s why its great! High fences make good neighbors.” She laughed at my misanthropy and I continued.

“I’ll be totally honest. Sometimes at the end of the day, I fantasize about packing it all in and going to be a park ranger or something out west. It’s pure escapist fantasy, but I can’t help it. It wouldn’t be so bad…you get a cool hat and you get to be outside. You still have to deal with assholes, but I’m used to that. It’s a rare day around here when nobody’s an asshole.”

“That sounds good actually. I love it outside. It would be great to get out there in the mountains and the forest. Maybe some day…”

We closed our discussion as an asthmatic wheezed by on a stretcher, EMS’ nebulizer sputtering out as they passed. Duty called and I returned to my work, passing nebs and sticking arteries. The malaise I’d experienced as I had spoken with my fellow RT gradually dissipated as I threw myself into my work. But every now and then, a few times a day, I’ll stop and stare off into space. And try as I might to be content with what I have and where I am, I have to wonder…

…what if?