When Will I Die From This?

Today i was thinking about my life as a whole.  I know that’s a dangerous and silly thing to do - but there I ws, pondering how some days are better than others.  Today I have had a hard time getting around even though the Enbrel is really helping a ton!  I broke out the old cane again yesterday and found that it made me less exhausted to just use it.   It’s hot and humid and got me thinking that I thought Florida (hot and humid) was good for bad bones - but it feels like it does when it’s about to rain.

Jax and I’ve been having a good time, except for our truly deplorable subletter.  The pothead jerk is living in the unit that was my office.  I had to give up my office last August when my health took a nose dive.  Anyhow I don’t want to bitch and moan about that guy - but he’s got Jax so upset right now.  The jerk said I was “faking it” with my cane.  He said he didn’t “give a rat’s ass” if I wasn’t feeling good and couldn’t move a few boxes out of the place.  (Mind you - he sublet my place “as is”.  What a piece of work.  I know some people don’t care.

Tonight at couple’s therapy Jax and I…[CLICK TO READ MORE and get the scoop on: "It’s so hard to express pain.  If you say it out loud then you seem like a complainer.  If you keep it to yourself than“… and also “I want to scream “WHEN WILL THIS END!!!????“…….had a love fest.  We are getting along really well.  We’re both working hard, but he’s able to work longer hours than I am right now.  I wish I could take my body back 4 years before all of this got so out of control.  I haven’t been able to work long hours and as a result I’ve gotten very behind on things.  I have so much to accomplish before the end of tonight.  I really hope I can kick it into gear.

I’m still messed up from my pancreatic attack last Sunday (1 1/2 weeks ago).  It usually takes about 3 days to recover but then I have to be very careful what i eat for the next 2 weeks.  This time around - no matter what I eat I end up in pain.  I want to scream “WHEN WILL THIS END!!!????”  But the true answer is never.

On my trip last week, I stopped in to see my oldest friend in my life.  She has a new baby and live-in boyfriend.  It was great to see people making a new life for herself and I imagined her own parents excitement about their new life when she was first born.  (They still live in the same house so it isn’t that tough to imagine).  They own their house which is also great.

While I was pacing their house walking in circles with pain from my pancreas (it must have been the bacon grease in the pancakes - I’ve thought about long and hard and can’t think of anything else that could’ve hit me that hard)… and he said “I don’t think you’ll die from this at any point…I think you’ll die from something else.”  I know I should just blow it off - but I am so angry about this odd statement.  First, how in the world would he know what I’d die from?  Second, does he know I’ve almost been dead on at least 5 occasions because of pancreatitis?  Third, what “other” thing does he claim to think I’ll die from?  Fourth, thanks.. while they are building their new home (metaphorically), new awesome life, and not worried about money like I am… on a moment to moment basis now due to my medical bills… why would he dare suggesting that I would die from something else?  Mind you, I don’t want to die from pancreatitis… but I certainly don’t like anyone suggesting that it’s not that bad when I am freaking pacing their house worried that I have to go to the Emergency Room again.  Wow!!!!  i did not realize how mad I was about this.  I have really been upset by the glib remark.

I’m sure he’s a nice guy - but I haven’t been able to talk to my friend in person without him for years.  Well, I’ll rephrase that - the last time we really talked without him was 6 years ago when I very first got ill.  She was staying at my place waiting for him to pick her up while traveling through Los Angeles back to Texas.  I was super-ill and angry and freaking out - but she was in love and could not relate to my situation at all.  I nearly punched her in the face when she woke me up whispering to him on the phone 1 foot from my face at 5:45am for over 15 minutes.  I had just fallen asleep after being in pain all night.  What a drag!

It’s so hard to express pain.  If you say it out loud then you seem like a complainer.  If you keep it to yourself than no one knows you’re in pain and then they don’t even believe or understand the amount of pain you are in…. or they think it must not be that bad since you haven’t been bitching about it.  But what if i don’t want to complain about it?  I don’t want to have that type of outlook on life… I just want to get on with things and not dwell on it.  So what in the world is the middle ground?  Does anyone know?

Love, Sasha xoxo

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