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Sometimes I wish I knew the reason

Posted May 05 2013 12:00am


I have been through enough in my life to know that God will only give what He knows I can handle.  I also know that everything happens for a reason but sometimes, I sure wish I knew the reason.  In times where I find myself struggling with something that is out of my control, I start to struggle with my faith and my belief in the Almighty.  I have never stopped believing in God but sometimes, I just don’t know that He knows I am here on my knees.

I have been through a whole lot in life and I know that I would not have gotten through these things without God by side.  But, I just want a break from constantly being tested.  I also wish that I some control of my fate. The things that get thrown at me, I wish they weren’t. For once, I just want something to work my way. I have spent a lot of years trying to convince myself that everything happens for a reason and now, I am not convinced.  Sometimes, what happens doesn’t make any sense and maybe I want to know the reason that things happen as they do.

I know and I have been told that God has a plan for me and I don’t really have a say in that.  However, I had everything in my life planned out. It was going to be a certain way but then it wasn’t. Then something happened and my plans were foiled.  My life didn’t turn out in the way that I wanted it to and I sure didn’t get what I worked for.  I tried to make it work and now I know it will never work.

I am okay that things turned out as they did because in the grand scheme of things, I was in the wrong place and with the wrong person.  I knew I was with the wrong person but I did what was expected of me and I thought I could find a way to be happy.  In the end, my best laid plans weren’t enough.  I could have tried and tried until the end of time and the result would have always been the same.  A part of me is relieved with the result and another part of me is confused.

I am at peace with what has happened of late and I know with certainty it is for the best.  However, the reasons I ended up in this situation continue to haunt me.  I understand I made my own choices but I made them to make others happy.  In the end, I wasn’t happy and right now, I am trying to figure out how to be happy again.  I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason, that God has bigger and better plans for me, and that God will give me only what He knows I can handle.  However, I am not sure that I always believe these three things.

I look back at what my life has been like for the past twenty years.  I have been hurt by a lot of people and when I try to be happy and to do my own thing, there are too many people who disappointed in my choices.  It has taken me a long to realize that if I continue to let others dictate my choices, I will never be happy.  And now that I know that, I know that I have to make different choices – choices I have never made before.  Because I have always done what I was supposed to do, I am afraid of what would happen if I don’t do what everyone expects of me.  I don’t know the result and the unknown scares me.  I want to do what makes me happy but what makes me happy may anger a lot of people. I am so tired of living a life where others dictate who I am and who I should me.  I know I always have a choice but it is hard to make different choices when you know that the people closest to you will disapprove.

I know that my life will turn out in the way that God has planned out for me. I just want to know how do I get there quicker.  I know what I want but it doesn’t always seem possible based on the obstacles I will have but it is not impossible. I consider myself a strong believer in God and even in my faith but right now, I just wish I could understand how everything is supposed to work out.  If everything is supposed to happen for a reason, what is that reason?  When will I know the reason?  And why can’t have both the things I want – my faith and my happiness? It is hard to have it when others are dictating what these things are especially when they are picking and choosing what is allowed and what is not.  No one is looking for the truth – it is about what they think is true.  As for me, I am so sick of what everyone tells me is true even though I am smart enough to know the difference.   Ignoring the real truth is what has cost me my happiness.

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