I wish I could say it was because I was out being too awesome—though that’s part of it.
Or that I was ill and just couldn’t blog—though I was for a bit (including a nasty bit of laryngitis, yuck.)
Honestly, though, it was mostly just burnout. I was really just over being positive, over being forthcoming and, most of all, over being sick. I’m not really sure why it hit me so hard or why it did right then, but I guess it was bound to happen eventually.
Being accepting, being positive all the time in the face of something that’s not going to get better and not going to go away, that’s really difficult. I had a pretty good run of it: working on 15 years with psoriasis and creeping toward a decade with psoriatic arthritis. For most of that time, I would say I had a damn good attitude. I took my pills on time. I did what I was supposed to do.
But, I’m still sick. And I think it just hit me hard all of a sudden that even though I’m doing all the right things, even though I’m doing everything I should, that’s no guarantee that I’ll feel good or even just OK on any given day. And that sucks, quite frankly. I wish it worked the way everyone says things should, that we would get out what we put into it. I wish it was fair. But it’s not. And I know that.
I just needed some time, I think, to wrap my head around that once more. I needed some time to be negative and to regroup.