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My Not So Graceful Moments

Posted Sep 06 2011 3:49pm

I am clumsy and I have been clumsy for a long time.  This was long before RA and fibromyalgia came into my life.  However, my klutzy moments seem to have gone worse after my diagnoses.  To me, it is like a double whammy.   I don’t just get stuck with one diseases that affects my ability to be somewhat normal but two.  With fibromyalgia, it is my balance that is affected and with RA, it is my shaking hands and wobbly wrists – sometimes even my wobbly ankles and knees.  So here I am – walking around like a drunk and dropping things. 

I hate a swollen long (second) toe to prove that my shaky hands actually do exist.  I hate to say it but I wish this was one of the symptoms that was all in my head.  Yesterday morning, I grabbed a coffee mug of the kitchen cabinet to put my coffee in.   After I grabbed the mug, my shaky hands kicked in and it was like I was juggling the mug trying to get a hold of it.  Well, if you played it in slow motion, it would look like it was a juggling incident gone wrong.  Despite my attempts to get a hold of the mug, it managed to smash onto my toe rather hard before it hit the floor and broke.  I cleaned the mess and cursed about how clumsy I am. 

This incident isn’t a singular event. In fact, I have spent the last three years dealing with many not so grateful incidents.  I have fallen on my butt more times than I can care to count.  I have gotten better at falling, getting up, dusting myself off, and then, going back to what I was doing before the klutz in me attacked with each passing day.  Needless to say, I have had some moments where my clumsy moments felt quite humiliating at least towards my ego.  I am too young to have to say, “I have fallen and I can’t get up.”  You remember those commercials?  Most of those people are much older and they are definitely are prone to falling but me, I am in mid-30s. 

 With that said, I have been fortunate.  Aside from some cuts, bumps, and bruises, I have fared well through my not so graceful moments.  And I have made use of the word “wobbly,” a word I would have never known how to use in a sentence in my pre-RA and pre-fibro days.

My clumsy RA and fibro moments are often a result of additional things including brain fog – you know those times when your brain is so clouded that everything around you feels hazy and it is difficult to think clear and to function normally.  Only someone who has dealt with brain fog can relate.  Can you imagine explaining brain fog to your employer? How about during a performance review?  I would rather take the bad review.  I am pretty sure my employer would accuse of making excuses.  

Other wonderful symptoms including the crawly bug feeling – i.e., the feeling that bugs are crawling on your skin.  Yes, I can hear that response – “it is all in your head.” Or what I call, the Mush-Mouth, “when the words you want to say just won’t come out of your mouth.” Sometimes, my son finishes my sentences and it is because I can’t finish time, not because he can read my mind. What is worse is my mouth says the wrong word, i.e., “vibrator” instead of “vaporizer.”  I also call that sudden stupidness (I am sure that is not a word) especially when I stop in mid-sentence and forget what I was saying.  I am also famous for the word “thingie.” You know the word you use when it cannot remember the name of something which is more often than your toddler can count.  Another personally named favorite is “tripping over my tongue,” as I call it.  Sometimes, I cannot pronounce simple everyday worlds.   That is also when something comes out of my mouth and I wonder why on earth I said it.

I am not so graceful these days but I am not sure that I ever really was.  I guess I wish I was at least as graceful as I was pre-RA and pre-fibro.   How about the rest of you RA’ers and fibromites? Are you clumsy? Were you clumsy before and if so, has it gotten worse with since your diagnosis? 


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