I just returned from a long trip to Texas. It was partially work and partially down time to help my folks who just moved in from a far away place. My mom said she could see the evil pattern of pain very clearly. She noticed that when I’m in pain I am cranky and on a short-leash. She said it was amazing to see how the medicine affected my overall self so dramatically. She said it was like watching someone entering the ER Room in pain (she’s a nurse) and then within an hour seeing them return to themself again. I sincerely hope it’s not like seeing me get high or something creepy like that. I never ever drink even a drop so I guess she can’t compare it to being drunk… (well, but I did a lot of that from 9-19 yrs. old)
It’s been so wonderful to see Jax again after so long. I missed Jax so much and got so depressed when I returned home and my body caved in and needed the sleep. in fact, because I can be a total idiot - I only brought enough medication for the original trip. I was forced to extend my trip so that i wouldnt’ get sick… but post facto realized that I didn’t have enough medicine. It was the weekend so not possible to fedex. in the end i went without Synthroid for four days and Cymbalta for 3 days. Cymbalta always makes me feel loopy and crazy if I forget even 1 dose. It gives me those odd body jerks and brain freezes when I skip 2 doses.. so you might imagine by day 3…. So I slept this past 3 days. i couldn’t help it even though I am desperate to get new clients. I knew I was shooting myself in the foot. Also, Jax and I missed couples therapy this week as a result.
I have a HUGE project coming up at the end of July-mid August. I am nowhere near ready yet. I do feel like I am getting stronger and better everyday. I’ve finally lost weight thanks to the Synthroid - and I can see that with more exercise I will go even lower. The project could bust my balls to the point of death - but it is so important and I need to finish it.
I feel like I am in between two lives right now. The one I used to be and can still sometimes cling to - and the other - this new person who has to let it go when I sleep for four days straight, or keel over in pain from a pancreatic attack then pace around a friends house for an hour until the medicine works. But it also seems like there is a third life bubbling to the surface. This is the one I am the least familiar with. This side of me eats only healthy foods, exercises, fixates on healthy choices, and battles my health insurance company. This is the new side of me that wants a baby and wants to live for many years. The other two parts of me are too tired and in too much pain to go on.
The last thing I’ll mention is that Jax seems very distant. He is always so good to me and even more so since I’ve been home, but he said that i look like I don’t know where i am. When he said it - it was very true. The clash of medicines and pain in my body had truly disoriented me. Now i know exactly where I am - HOME. the home that Jax and I have built with our love. (as cheesy as you might think that sounds).
The trick is to always let the pain pass before saying anything important.