All day I am fighting this intense exhaustion. All night I struggle falling asleep. The sky is overcast with a brilliant orange glow. I want to go next door and climb into Jax’s bed. I could always claim that I was sleepwalking. The LA night is restless., Helicopters, police sirens, and food in the fridge are screaming at me. I’ve been off of Enbrel for 2 months. It’s been insane to feel my disease crawl back through my veins, my joints, my blood. My feet hurt in ways I didn’t know was possible.
Originally, I got off Enbrel to find out if it was the culprit in m sleepwalking. That turned into forgetting to re-order it which evolved into delivery to the wrong address. Now, the full-blown effects of RA are coursing through my body. The Methotrexate does little to nothing it seems. Every morning now I can feel the effects of RA wearing my joints down, wearing me down, eating away at my life.
What a horrific disease. When it is contained, I forget how badly it was destroying me before. For 3-4 hours every morning I can’t move, think or function. I’ve never felt the exhaustion of life so vividly. And I will say again how absurd the name is. The word arthritis conjures up some lame issue very old people have with their joints. If I were in charge of “things” the first thing I’d do is give RA a proper name. One that brings to mind utter untreatable agon and helplessness. Now I have forgotten how long it takes to feel the beneficial effects of Enbrel. I think it’s about one month. I can’t wait. If I wasn’t a freelancer then I would’ve lost my job because of the disease’s evil nature.
Jax and I have a cuppa tea almost every night. He’s very kind that I limp a lot and is always helpful. Time will tell if Jax changes his mind about us getting back together, but each day I feel it slipping farther away. Time creates more time. I hate when people say “at least you have our health”. I don’t!!!! I don’t have it in any way.