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Hello World

Posted Feb 12 2011 12:00am
Hello World is the title of a new Lady Antebellum song.  It is the title of this post because I am making a choice to be a different person.  The person I was many months ago put up with a lot including being mistreated.  However, my brother’s death showed me that I was merely human because if I wasn’t, then losing him wouldn’t have hurt so much.

I visited Dad’s grave yesterday.  I just happened to be in the area and I stopped there for a few minutes.  I told Dad that I wanted him to proud of the person that I have become.  Strong, determined, capable, and smart – just like he raised me to be.  Dad died when I was 19 at a time when I really needed my Dad in my life.  His death taught me how to be strong even when it felt like I had nothing left in me.  Fifteen years later, I realized that his memory didn’t hurt anymore and I wondered why and that question was answered months later.

Fifteen years and three months after Dad’s passing, I lost my 31 year old brother to a very aggressive cancer.  Did it change me?  It changed every one of us, my mom, my siblings and me.  Cancer took away a piece of each of us and it feels like I lost a limb.  I ache and I don’t know how long I will ache but I am finally allowing myself to grieve.  The façade that I put on for many weeks is something that I can no longer do.  I had on through it all and I managed to be strong even when I thought I had no fight in me.

I have taken a bold step and made some choices that I probably shouldn’t have made while I was still grieving.  However, the choices I made were thrust upon me and if anything, they were long overdue so it wasn’t as if I made choices without thinking.  I made them because I had to and also, because I had for a long been considering them.  My brother’s illness and death only forced to see the reality of what I was dealing with and I knew that I had to make a choice and the longer I waited, the harder it would be.

Now I have to be strong again and I know I have it in me.  I live for my children and I always make a choice to be strong for them.  And I have to do just that.  Above everything that I am, being a mother is most important role.  So for them, I choose to be strong.

I made a choice to be my own person.  I made a choice to be a stronger and more independent woman. I made a choice to do what was best for me.  As I look at my RA ridden hands, reminders of my diseases, I know with absolute certainty that I had to do what was best for my children and me.  I had to be a mother but in order to be the best mother I could be, I had to make a choice to be respected.  I believe that we have a choice to treat the people in our lives with goodness and kindness and people in our lives have a choice to stay or leave when we mistreat them.

Today, I am a different person and I say “hello world!”

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