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Can I Please Have a Moment to Myself?

Posted Jan 09 2012 12:00am
I haven’t had a moment to myself and this is what it has been like these days for the most part.  I am starting to look for a new place because my lease expires at the end of February.  I am not a last minute person so I have already started looking.  I like to plan and I hate when my plans fail.  I like to have time to regroup myself if things don’t work out as I planned.  If you have forgotten, I had filed a fair housing complaint (due some singling out issues with the property manager) and the only thing I am asking for is a good reference. The negotiations between the landlord and the fair housing advocate have started and I need answer this week so I can put my application in for the place I want to move into.  As a result, I am a nervous wreck.  I have to wait for a response from the advocate and then once I get that I have to submit my application and then I have to wait for their approval. It is nerve wrecking to say the least. So, I am crossing my fingers and I need your prayers.

The place is about $100 more than I am paying but it has a washer and dryer and because I have RA and fibro, I am pretty tired of lugging my laundry to the Laundromat and having to wait until the weekend to do it because I am busy during the week. Even if I didn’t have RA and fibro, it would still be overwhelming because I am a working mom.  (You know the term “working mom” is so redundant. Think about it: aren’t all moms “working moms?”)

My right leg is bothering me again. This is from the herniated disc in my back.  It goes out on me sometimes.  I cannot do is use it alone or even stand for too long. If I have to put my left leg up for some reason, my right leg cannot take the wait.  Plus, this upcoming Thursday I have an epidural injection for my neck. The past few days my neck has been behaving and it is my lower back that has been a problem.  However, if I ask for the injection in my back, you know my neck pain will come back in full force.  I have had problems with my right arm as well as a result of the herniated disc in my neck and sometimes, it is so hard to lift it when the pain my neck worsens.  It is have been over nine months since the accident and I am still in pain.  I don’t think I will ever recover from these injuries. 

Also, this past weekend I was dealing with a flare up.  It lasted from Friday through Sunday.  I am still dealing with the remnants of the fatigue from it. My RA always comes back in full force during the winter months.  My fibro too but I don’t always notice it because my RA and neck and back pain are always worse.  I spent most of my weekend looking at apartments, doing laundry, cleaning house and resting as much as I could. I have RA – I know that but the world and my life don’t stop because I have RA.  Sounds like an RA medication commercial, doesn’t it?  Think about it. People like me in their 30s and 40s are the face of RA.  I am not saying that older people and young people are not. I am just saying that we are the majority group and because we are raising families and trying to focus on careers, we are often tremendously effected. Being stricken by RA at a time in my life that I don’t have time for it is unfair.  I am not saying that I have not learned many valuable lessons here or that I haven’t accepted RA.  I have but I still think it is unfair.

Tomorrow my older son turns twelve.  It is hard to believe that he was only a baby yesterday.  Since my youngest came into our lives, he has grown up and matured so much. Sometimes, I cannot believe my eyes.  He is growing up into a wonderful young man. He is kind and considerate, he is compassionate and honest, and he is just plain amazing. In a year, he will officially be a teenager and I have always worried about the teen years but you know what? I think we will be fine. I raised great kid and I did it without his father – a father who has never asked about him since I walked away from my marriage when my son was only three months.  I always say it is his loss and in the past I wondered if I did the right thing by walking away from my ex-husband and pursuing full custodial rights.  I don’t any more. I don’t have regrets.  My son turned out to be this great kid because I raised him and I don’t think that would have happened if his father was in his life. Happy Birthday kid! You are the best thing in my life.

Here is the Monday morning horoscope:

Remember that it is OK to change your opinion, Lana. You may pride yourself on being the solid one who always has an answer, or knows exactly where she is going. You may look upon others as flaky, indecisive, or fickle. It is important that you don’t shut down your thinking process after having made a decision about something. Keep your mind open to the changes that occur around you – and maybe you yourself will have a change of heart.

As you many of you know, I am stubborn so as usual, my horoscope is right.  Definitely, a great piece of advice to the remainder of the horoscope. Capricorns are stubborn by nature and as a result, it makes them decisive people. I am not good at changing my mind. Before I make a decision, I do my research – simple as that.  The only time I change my mind is when I pursue additional research and my perception of the situation changes.  That is the legal person in me.  I was trained to focus on the facts and leave the emotions out.  It is easy to do that outside of my own life.  When it comes to my personal life, my emotions are always in full swing.  For God’s sake, I cry when I watch “Grey’s Anatomy.”  I mean who wouldn’t when Meredith and Derek got their baby back?

I have also been busy with other things.  Some of you many already know, Alliance Health launched Rheumatoid Connect before Thanksgiving and asked me to advocate there as well.  About a week ago, the for it was set up.  I set it up with some help – contrary to popular belief, I am not that tech savvy. I also launched a new blog called Adventures in Chronic Illness .  It will be just an informative place for information about chronic illness, fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis.  This blog has become true to its name. I am living life as I see fit and there is more to me than just RA and fibro. I made that decision last year and I kept my promise there. 

If you notice I am not around, don’t worry.  I am busy trying to get moved and dealing with a whole bunch of other things.  2012 is my year to grow professionally and while there will be setbacks, I will continue the course as always do.  I am no longer in college but I am still working fulltime, still advocating and still playing Mom.  In 2012, my plan is focus on my career and it may mean less hours at the office and more time advocating and being Mom but we will see what happens. I have slowly been moving away from workaholic mood to me mode for quite some time. Soon, I will be bragging about all the moments I have to myself.

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