My life has changed so drastically in the last few months. Sometimes I go an entire week without even thinking about this blog. And when I do, I never have time to update anyway.
I have found it both thrilling and challenging to adjust back into the “real world”. The last few years were all about the things I couldnt do. The steps I couldnt make. Both literally and figuratively. I was so wrapped up in my illness and what I was missing out on. For years, my heart ached when I thought of everything that was passing me by.
And while I usually have a very upbeat attitude, Im not ashamed to admit there are many many times when I was just plain angry, and resentful. I’ve felt cheated and sometimes downright grief-stricken. My R.A. was so severe and so fast acting, that within just a year I had very little cartilage left in my knees, and things have continued on in the same way for the last four and a half years.
I realize that since I was first hit with R.A., I’ve treated every problem that has come my way as a type of battle while completely ignoring the war. I’ve fought for medication, health insurance, and knee replacements. I viewed them all as an end all. Something that would save me, fix me, make me whole again.
I’ve found it very very difficult to face the fact that this is my life. It’s something I’m still struggling with. After four and a half years, it is something I still want to fight against. Dont get me wrong, I still love my life. I love who I am as a person. And I love the support I have around me. But my biggest struggle with R.A. has always been accepting my life as it is and not how I want it to be. That this problem is long-term and will be one struggle after another. That I have had major victories like getting health insurance, or new knees, but that in the end there will be another struggle.
Im coming to grips with this though. Looking forward to my next battle. Haha. I think I like that term. I think it deserves a capital letter. Battle. My next Battle will be for my hands. I have an appointment in two days to set up everything for my new Rituxin infusions.
If anyone has read my blog, you may know of my complete and absolute terror when it comes to needles. And how I almost didnt want surgery because of the I.V.! I agree. It’s completely ridiculous. But….just the way I am. So to agree to IV infusions, I really have to be losing my Battle. And unfortunately I am. R.A. already won my knees. I’ll be damned if it gets my fingers.
My fingers. I can’t even think about my fingers “going”. I find myself holding up my hands for daily inspections. I can already see slight deformities. Knuckles so swollen that the tips of my fingers never touch. So I need drastic help. My rheumatologist is even talking about joint therapy with Rituxin, humira, and methotrexate. At this moment, I’ll try anything that helps.
So that where I am at the moment. Still greatly improved after knee surgery, but fighting another Battle.