Usually I like to talk about tips and information that anxiety sufferers can use to cope with anxiety disorder. Today, however, I feel like complaining so that is what I shall do.
All of you don’t know that I have been writing less because I have gone back to school. You see, I obtained a rather useless bachelors degree in History and I have decided to obtain my PhD in a scientific discipline to compensate. As a result, I don’t have time to even watch a few minutes of late night television much less write blog posts.
This new reduction in free time has also made me focus more on all the things I hate, and at the top of the list is anxiety. I mean really, this semi disease really makes me mad, especially because I can’t break the code on it. I’ve been trying to hack this bug for over a decade with mixed results.
I think a list will better illustrate the things that piss me off the most:
1. I go to the movies less because I have mild paranoia. When I do go to the cinema I feel like there is a possibility that it will be blown up by a terrorist (dynamite vest and all). Now clearly this is absurd, ridiculous, and dumb all at the same time, but that is what my anxiety tells me. It’s a broken Spider-Man sense that conjures up fake realities at every opportunity.
2. This next thing is a huge one. I have not been drunk for over 10 years. During my college years I got drunk exactly zero times because I was too afraid to drink. And even today I cannot comfortably consume alcohol. Even whine coolers (wine coolers!!!) make me nervous. I used to drink and loved it, I just want to get buzzed every now and then.
Believe me I know the score on alcohol and anxiety. I am fully aware of the link between drinking and feeling nervous but I still want some beer.
3. I hate meeting new people. I can’t stand meeting strangers because of how self conscious I am. I am tremendously afraid of potential ridicule and people flat out not liking me. I know this sounds shallow, but I’m ranting and also being brutally honest.
4. I can’t stand that I can’t connect with my wife. My wife is a brilliant, beautiful, caring, and wonderful partner. And given all those qualities she has to put up with me turning her down for outings all the time and just plain acting like a weirdo. I handle going out just fine now, but I feel like I never have fun. Like I have some inner mechanism that prevents long periods of joy and happiness.
5. I am also exhausted. I am mentally and physically fried from all the years of anxiety and stress. I’m always worried, irritated, mad, and just unsatisfied with myself. photo credit: JelleS
What is the most frustrating is that I can’t share half this crap with anyone. The feeling that “no one understands” is pervasive. My wife gets it, along with 5 text messages a day about new anxiety symptoms. But she can only reassure me so much before she gets a little tired too. And once she is fed up then I’m all out of sympathy time.
I know so much about anxiety that it makes me sick. I could grab a stranger and fill their head with information, jargon, and possible solutions for anxiety and yet I am still sick.
I hate that doctors have brushed me off, I hate that no one really understands the cause of anxiety disorders, I hate that anxiety gets no light in the national media, I just hate being nervous all the damn time. I live with a very low level, but ever present, anxiety and it eats me up.
I am simultaneously the nicest person you may ever meet, but also filled with absolute rage that I was born with this genetic and mental defect. I resent having to endure this pain but at the same time I love life.
Ultimately this is why I even bother writing this blog. Because I want to help people feel just a lot less anxious and stressed.
Don’t get me wrong I realize the good things in life too. I have come a long way since my first panic attack in 1999. I finished my preliminary education, I married the girl of my dreams, and I have a beautiful baby boy. I think I have things in clear perspective, but sometimes… sometimes I just get mad and want to vent and that’s all this is.
You have just explained exactly how i feel, i dont know what to do ive had it so long and im just fed up with it now. How have you came a long way since 1999 ? whats changed to make the panic attacks better? any help is good, i want to go to the doctor but i dont want to get a disorder on my record as i finish my degree soon and dont know if it would be on record or not, i dont want this to stop me from getting a job, i just want the old confident me back its ruining my life!