Part of life- Depression and Control ----------What to do now??????
From childhood I have been raised and brought up in ethnic community that belonged to same group. Irony of my childhood experiences is mixed of experiences both isolation and freindship. My family along with me and my brother had to experience a kind of isolation from other family members that were living around us. This was especially due to internal dispute of house ownership posession. My grand father legally possesed the land and built houses which was given on lease to other social members which belonged to same place and country to reside. My grandfather legally made bail handling the legal authority as heir the land reponsibility and authority to my father. Later those members which were allowed to stay on lease and rental basis, these groups started returning to their home town after their retirement and they disguised us by selling the leased house in their own ownership and posession. This group of people specially selled of the house to the local ethnic groups and communities and those periods were really bad periods. I remember mom saying that how one of the local ethnic man to whom the house was sold came up with the violent activites and giving threat to my father by killing him and forced him to pass the legal possession to his name without any incentives. After all everybody loves their life and not wealth since health and life was more important than wealth my father did it. Although we possesed the land ownership, nothing was in our control. I cannot forget all these incidences and these groups when even in difficult times seeked our help everytime and did not consider it as worth.
Coming back to my childhood, I and my brother used to remain in isolation and played together without mixing up with other childs staying around. These were really very sympathetic days for us where childhood is most important stage for growing and having better development.Later as we grew up we were able to understand the circumstances and a kind of understanding and adjustment was prevailed for sake of us by our parents, since we started mixing with the other childrens and started to mix up gradually. We started to maintain good relationship with other childrens as they and we were able to guide ourselves and take decision of having good relationship. As everybody grew and us too, after completing school education and continuing higher education we all are scattered around the world i.e we are staying in different places and different countries continuing own career and possessing good positions but we are not in contact as due to circumstances prevailing around us specially of their parents. I guess probably I will be meeting them someday who really viewed us with differentiation and negligence. This is all about childhood. I always had a motive to have good education and be at good position in my lifetime.
After my undergraduation , usually following our tradtion and culture got married. My spouse is very genious and good person whom I love the most. His parents that is 'my in laws are also good and supportive of me. Belonging to rural settings the family has similar kind of story prevailing around them about the some kind of isolation and incooperative behavior from the keen family members. This got ven more exagerrated after my marriage since I was total new to them and was questioned for my adjustment and capacities. I was brought and grown up outside my native country and the life style was new to me due to the rural settings. This was a second stage of my life steps of hardship, patience and isolation step where I had to control, adjust and maintain in order to survive and have stay away from my maternal parents who were residing where our house was---i.e in another country. The relations became more ambigious with more burdened responsibility to proof myself of my capabilites and resposibiltiies and our family to retain status for us. I never let it down as I was always and am a good struggler. But some time lacked confidence when I remembered the past incidents which really hurted and depressed me. But still could maintain myself.
After one year of marriage we had child--son marriage life was going well. My spouse had to go abroad for further study soon after my pregnancy. I, my parents and my in laws supported me in bringing up my son. When our son was more than 2 years I could join my spouse and we started living together. As I was eager to contnue my education I also joined the university and graduated and started working and our life is going with all ups and downs as this is a part of life.
Coming to most important part, nowadays, I am in a situation where I am dealing with anxiety problems and even the palpitations which happened automatically one night when I was alone with my son.....that day I still cannot forget it . My heart beat rate became higher and I was able to seek help after a long period of time from neighbors and security guards when my conditions got even worse since we have no our own ethnic and social cirlce around us plus additionally I cannot speak the local language where in we are staying currently. I was having some Low BP problems that day and even had bought medications for muscle pain. I was restless that night and was not able to sleep, something was disturbing me...that was related to my job matters....one reality that I knew about salary payment of colleagues. I was shocked after knowing the level of differences about the payments being done us specially me and also my husband. I was literally working underpaid with great roles and responsibilties working harder as it should be around else where. I was quite surprised with the level of differences and most importantly I was working and trying my best to adjust in an environment where the staffs are being considered for their labor and not for their competencies and their values. Poor HRM in the office where specially the middle range staffs are measured on basis of time presence and their internet browsing. I was being questioned by one of the colleagues many and severaltimes about my roles and responsibilites. This should have been be a quite shameful in that's person part who beared and should have played a important roles by working in the office itself but this person was working and residing out of the office place with spouse, although visiting some time the office. I am not against anybody but was against the capitalism structure that prevailed in the organisation and and at last I resigned. I am happy about resignation but at a same time looking for good oppurtunity ahead. But my health and one day incidence makes me uncomfortable, panic and fearful about losing my life. I am taking medicines and I know god will certainly show us the way go ahead. I know my husband and my well wishers are always there with me. I want to return to my homecountry and visit my family members whom I have to do a lot .
But how can I get rid and forget this fear and incidenceand also medications which may have side effects after long time ?? Seeking some suggestions that can help me. I take medicines for anxiety, palpitations and also some medications for sound sleepness in night time and most important I am afraid and nervous when my spouse is in tour for meetings,seminars and trainings.
You have had an interesting life, Sweety. It undoubtedly explains much about your mental state.
You say you are taking medication for anxiety, palpitations and to help you sleep. It would help to know what these drugs are (preferably the chemical name instead of brand names), and also the country in which you live.
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