It's seems that I am apologising a lot lately for things that are not my fault. I'm not sure why I feel responsible for everything and everyone. It doesn't really matter what the situation is, but the word ''sorry!'' pops out involuntarily at the end of most sentences, sometimes even when nothing has been said at all. Now I've realised that I do it, I'm finding that I'm not alone in this. My mum might cook some beautiful food and then begs for forgiveness because it's not tender enough, overcooked, undercooked etc, and draws attention to a problem that actually doesn't exist. We all do it. ''Sorry, but..." then add any words that are appropriate afterwards. I was once riding my bike in the street when a driver without signalling, pulled up in front of me and decided to park, and I slammed straight into his boot with a thud. Lying sideways groaning in the road the only thing that I could utter was, ''sorry''. I honestly thought I was at fault. Even when I've achieved something, following a process of thought and effort, the conclusion is always the same, ''sorry!'' it's not quite good enough, should have been done differently, improved upon, it's not as it could have been. Does it matter?
I was going to apologise to anyone who had read the minor version of a Mills and Boon novel down there in my posts, but I've made a decision, I am not. I'm not sorry that I can only be me and I am going to make a conscious effort to stop apologising for it. We would all prefer it if we could be loved by everybody and sometimes, it really doesn't matter what you do, how wonderful you really are, there will always be somebody who will not approve of you, or dislike you for some incomprehensible reason. The irony being that no such signs are usually displayed, and usually it's much the opposite. It's high time to stop worrying and grappling with regrets.
I am going to be honest with you now, in light of what I have just said. There are certain things that are beyond control and require no apologetic explanations. The last decade I have been plagued by panic attacks and anxiety that has at times been intolerable. I have been unable to work, have been demoralised and ridiculed by someone who was supposed to have been in love with me, lost my way of life, the beauty that surrounded me, and have been walled up in a room with a heart full of grief and loss. I have debated whether or not to open this up for discussion and have decided that it is not something to be ashamed of, or that I have to make excuses for anymore. Perhaps it is because I finally feel as if I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel that I have got to this place here and now, and six months ago I would not have been able to share this.
It's a very personal thing, but now that I have myself alone to please, and no individuals approval and expectations to satisfy, I can at last be me, and my hope is that in future I may be able to offer some reassurance to others and the people around them, that it can be overcome, and things will one day start to get better. It doesn't require a change in circumstances, only a change in attitude, and a little self confidence. Sometimes these beliefs need to be shattered in order to be rebuilt from scratch, but believe me, the foundations built upon experience will make them stronger and more robust.
It is hard to come through when circumstances appear to be difficult. Comparisons to then and now are painfully unavoidable. Lately however, my mind has gone further back than the last ten years, and I'm beginning to remember what it was to live freely and without fear and this is not with a sense of loss or guilt, but with renewed confidence. I'm am slowly starting to forget to panic, and can visualise myself doing things before my life was to change, and in that, becoming again the girl that I once was. It's a fantastic feeling. There is still a mountain to climb but armed with this new equipment the advance to the top is one achievement that must happen. Without hope there is nothing to aim for, and we have to hope and believe that we can make things change, large or small.
Small steps will turn into strides, and these into leaps.
So no apologies please.
It's seems that I am apologising a lot lately for things that are not my fault. I'm not sure why I feel responsible for everything and everyone. It doesn't really matter what the situation is, but the word ''sorry!'' pops out involuntarily at the end of most sentences, sometimes even when nothing has been said at all. Now I've realised that I do it, I'm finding that I'm not alone in this. My mum might cook some beautiful food and then begs for forgiveness because it's not tender enough, overcooked, undercooked etc, and draws attention to a problem that actually doesn't exist. We all do it. ''Sorry, but..." then add any words that are appropriate afterwards. I was once riding my bike in the street when a driver without signalling, pulled up in front of me and decided to park, and I slammed straight into his boot with a thud. Lying sideways groaning in the road the only thing that I could utter was, ''sorry''. I honestly thought I was at fault. Even when I've achieved something, following a process of thought and effort, the conclusion is always the same, ''sorry!'' it's not quite good enough, should have been done differently, improved upon, it's not as it could have been. Does it matter?
I was going to apologise to anyone who had read the minor version of a Mills and Boon novel down there in my posts, but I've made a decision, I am not. I'm not sorry that I can only be me and I am going to make a conscious effort to stop apologising for it. We would all prefer it if we could be loved by everybody and sometimes, it really doesn't matter what you do, how wonderful you really are, there will always be somebody who will not approve of you, or dislike you for some incomprehensible reason. The irony being that no such signs are usually displayed, and usually it's much the opposite. It's high time to stop worrying and grappling with regrets.
I am going to be honest with you now, in light of what I have just said. There are certain things that are beyond control and require no apologetic explanations. The last decade I have been plagued by panic attacks and anxiety that has at times been intolerable. I have been unable to work, have been demoralised and ridiculed by someone who was supposed to have been in love with me, lost my way of life, the beauty that surrounded me, and have been walled up in a room with a heart full of grief and loss. I have debated whether or not to open this up for discussion and have decided that it is not something to be ashamed of, or that I have to make excuses for anymore. Perhaps it is because I finally feel as if I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel that I have got to this place here and now, and six months ago I would not have been able to share this.
It's a very personal thing, but now that I have myself alone to please, and no individuals approval and expectations to satisfy, I can at last be me, and my hope is that in future I may be able to offer some reassurance to others and the people around them, that it can be overcome, and things will one day start to get better. It doesn't require a change in circumstances, only a change in attitude, and a little self confidence. Sometimes these beliefs need to be shattered in order to be rebuilt from scratch, but believe me, the foundations built upon experience will make them stronger and more robust.
It is hard to come through when circumstances appear to be difficult. Comparisons to then and now are painfully unavoidable. Lately however, my mind has gone further back than the last ten years, and I'm beginning to remember what it was to live freely and without fear and this is not with a sense of loss or guilt, but with renewed confidence. I'm am slowly starting to forget to panic, and can visualise myself doing things before my life was to change, and in that, becoming again the girl that I once was. It's a fantastic feeling. There is still a mountain to climb but armed with this new equipment the advance to the top is one achievement that must happen. Without hope there is nothing to aim for, and we have to hope and believe that we can make things change, large or small.
Small steps will turn into strides, and these into leaps.
So no apologies please.