Lately my work has been unbearable. Days spent crying in the bathroom, power struggling with my micromanaging boss. He seems to win every time and a little part of my freedom or even my job duties are taken away. I spend time whispering with others who are struggling about a revolution that can’t happen soon enough. Its to the point where finding another job is starting to sound like a good idea, even though in my position I should just wait it out and hope for the best. My last job I was in the same boat and I left to come to this job. But I don’t have the same luxuries I did then, now.
Right now my emotions are through the roof and I can’t control them like I used to. I get annoyed so easily and I don’t hide all the anger I feel anymore. Maybe it’s funny at home but it’s dangerous at work. So instead of talking to my boss because I worry about saying something I would definitely regret, I just fester with the hatred. Today I feel like I have been soaked in this toxic poison called negativity and hatred. I reek with it. The worst part is that I think my comrades in arms are getting sick of me too. They are tired of the complaining, the whispering, and the negativity. I’m tired of it too. It’s so unproductive. But it seems like every time I try to put on a happy face, turn that frown upside down, or just try to be alone to get away from the situation, my boss pops in with some outrageous request, some conniving power play, or some horrible new thing he is implementing, and it’s like he’s winding me up like a toy. The annoyance starts at the sight of him, the anger starts bubbling up as he speaks, and all I can do is quietly nod and glare so that I don’t start having a tantrum.
The worst part about it is his boss who I should go to talk to about it, loves him, and thinks that we are all just not giving him a chance. So there is no point going to talk to her because it will reflect poorly on you as not being a team player, or being insubordinate, etc.
So here I am sitting at work completely unmotivated, feeling depressed about the situation, with not much I feel like I can do about it. Then I start thinking about how I don’t like me like this, with the poison inside, but I don’t know how to get rid of it.