It's funny how I always have a "high" day right after a really bad one. It is as if the symbiosis of good and evil applies to my mood as well. If I spend one day crying and sobbing alone in a dark room, the next day I usually find myself feeling better than I have in ages, even bordering on the brink of invincibility or even - dare I say it? - normality. Those are the best days of my life, closely rivaling those spent with my arms wrapped around the one I love.
But the good days never really make up for the bad ones. Pleasure for pain is a bargain we all have to face sometimes, but it's only a good thing if it comes from a conscious decision. Right now I only have these experiences because of mental problems. No man or woman wants to be ruled by their fear, but that's exactly what I am. And there are so many others... Like zombies we walk, trying desperately to raise our arms to fend off the oncoming world. Fighting.
The difference between joy and despair is not the amount of pain or pleasure you experience. We encounter these things no matter who we are, from the most successful individuals to the poorest bums. The real difference is freedom of choice, the ability to do things instead of just dreaming of them.
I want it so much.
Currently listening to: Eels Currently reading:Needful Things by Stephen King