I'm a fat person. Usually that's not very relevant to this blog and thus doesn't get mentioned much. I lost almost 100 lbs on my own but now I gained back a little so one of my doctors has sent me for "medically supervised weight loss" which basically means shakes and bars and hardly any "real" food--and no carbs. I'm eating maybe 500 calories a day. I don't do well on low carbs. I get really sick. I call it "carb dementia". And of course, with no carbs and no calories in me, and exercising 5-6 thousand calories a week, I'm very sick. And I've figured out why it's so very scary for me to be this sick.
I feel like,if I ever get Alzheimer's, this is what it will be like. Except that I can't eat half a tortilla and feel better if I dementia. It will be like this all the time. And when I have carb dementia, I know it. Just like my dad knew that something was wrong with him.
I know that
I am stupid (my brain is hardly working)
I am not comprehending everything I read
When I write, I don't always make sense
My spelling is horrendous (worse than usual) and I don't recognize it if I don't have a red line telling me
Simple tasks like assembling an air conditioner, office chair, or IKEA furniture are nearly impossible
My hands shake when I try to do precision tasks
When I talk, I can't remember words or names (expressive aphasia, what my dad had)
I can't remember the point of what I'm saying by the time I'm done saying it
I'm perpetually exhausted and have to nap like an old person
My moods are bad; I am mean-tempered and utterly lack patience
I am depressed; I cry a lot and sleep a lot and have no motivation to do anything
I stumble over everything when I'm walking, even things no sane person would trip over
If I exert myself (such as shopping in a badly air-conditioned store) I start to grey out and get tunnel vision (I work out in a pool so I don't overheat)
The thought of living like this the rest of my life is terrifying. The doctors want me on this diet 18-20 months. That's almost 2 years. There is no way I can get a job or even look for one when I can't even rub two words together most days. When I have to take a nap like an 80 year old after the slightest exertion. When as part of this diet I have to eat their bars and shakes every 2 hours on a tight schedule.
For instance, it took me well over an hour to compose this blog post. It should have taken 20 minutes. I have no idea if it makes sense. There aren't a lot of red lines so everything is probably spelled correctly. I have to wonder if it's worth it. To give myself temporary diet-based dementia so I can live long enough to get real dementia.
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