How perfect is this?! Note cards for the chronically insecure - aka ME!
As I was concluding the post As Sick as Our Secrets, my husband walked into the room. I quickly minimized the screen, and turned my chair to face him. "Baby, I'm really worried about our finances," he said.
A rush of emotions flooded me: guilt, shame, remorse, and RELIEF.
"I know you are, sweetie. And I need to tell you something that's been eating at me and tearing me apart the past few days."
In a rush, I confessed to him about the spending spree, told him that I realized it was triggered by my own issues of insecurity and lack of self-worth, and that I had in fact just written a blog post confronting that truth, and that I had been afraid to tell him, that I'd wanted to "fix it" before facing him, but knew I needed to be honest and accountable with him NOW.
He was, of course, concerned about the actual spending. But more importantly, he was grateful for the honesty, and that I really do want to confront this HUGE character defect and begin taking the steps I need to overcome it, and to rout out the deeper issues that are manifesting in this behavior that hurts both of us. We hugged, then made breakfast together, sat down and ate, and I got ready for a Saturday morning meeting and went, very late, but went, nonetheless (chronic tardiness: another HUGE character defect I need to confront and overcome!).
I am going up to Germantown either later today, or most likely, tomorrow to return most of the items I bought in my frenzied online shopping spree.
Most of the items. That bothers me. If these were purchases made in haste and panic, if I would not have purchased these items if I hadn't felt pressured to have something new to wear to a wedding I thought we were attending, WHY do I feel I NEED any of the things I bought?
The truth is, I don't NEED any of them; I WANT them. The impending wedding was the catalyst, the motivator, the EXCUSE I needed to prompt me to buy what I coveted, and once I gave into the desire, it was just like a drinking spree: there was no controlling or stopping the desire and the resulting tornado of action in my carrying it out.
So, the real reason that I haven't returned anything, that I'm putting it off still another day ( most likely, tomorrow ) is that I don't want to part with those things which VERY BRIEFLY gave me some sense of peace, worthiness, joy and serenity, however false.
Because, I still don't feel that I am worthy, or deserving of joy, peace and serenity. I don't feel that I am ENOUGH by myself, without some thing outside myself to validate myself. I am still sick.
Last night at a meeting, we celebrated a beautiful woman's first "birthday." For 6 years, she had been in and out of the rooms. She is a wife, a mother, and a truly beautiful person, both on the outside and the inside. She has a caring, generous spirit, and a serenity that is attractive to the newcomer and the oldtimer alike.
At least, that's what I SEE. What she shared is quite different, and more in sync with my view of myself. She may APPEAR to have it all together to those outside looking in, but she knows, and her Higher Power knows, what she is on the inside, what her struggles are, and how fleeting the serenity actually can be as she goes through her busy days, how she still wants to crowd the world out at times by taking a quick drink.
But she doesn't take that drink, has not for a year. And, by her own admission, her life is better today than it has been since she can remember. Because she is taking action, doing the next right thing, and working a complete, thorough, and HONEST program. Because she has quit lying to herself and to others, and has chosen to expose and confront her secrets.
Her secrets do not have power over her when she shares them with others. She can then examine them and take the action needed to eliminate the domination they have had over her for so long.
I used to sit in meetings and when a person with a LOT more sobriety would say to me "Thanks, you kept me sober today," I would seethe with anger and hurt pride. (What the HELL did that mean?) I think I'm beginning to see that when someone with less time or the same time or more time shares honestly and completely, when they are transparent and vulnerable, it allows me to see myself, my character defects, my self will run riot, and it makes me want to confront what is dark and hidden, what will keep me sick, and to expose it and attack it.
I think that's what it means. If another alcoholic's story allows me to see my own faults and areas needing work, if a newcomer causes me to want to be more honest and to take action, that keeps me sober. I'm getting tired of being at a standstill in my recovery and in my spiritual growth. I want to take the hard look, do the hard work, and really begin to move forward and to grow. I have over 3 years sober, and I've never sponsored anyone, never been asked, and never offered. I am ashamed of this fact.
I know my HP can use me just as I am to help another alcoholic, and I pray that He will today, but I want to become so much more than I am today, and I'm praying, too, that He'll help me to not only SEE what I need to do, but that He'll give me the courage and the wisdom to GET OFF MY BUTT and take the action needed to get out of my own way.
Change is scary, growth is scary; messing with the status quo is scary. But, it's also GOOD.
What's that saying? Nothing changes if nothing changes. Here's to change.