I have come to a point in my ongoing recovery where I really believe that my original issue (alcohol consumption) has finally died. I feel like I have gotten to the point where it is just a settled thing that I cannot drink anything alcoholic, ever again. There’s no getting back to the point where a social glass of wine is okie dokie, because I know, I have come to terms with the fact that one is never going to be enough. Maybe I would only have one that first time, maybe even three times. But eventually I would tip over to the “dark side” of my previous habits and consume more than I needed. More than I wanted to originally. Enough to create consequences in the areas of health, happiness, relationships etc.
My identity is now that of a non-drinker. I am certainly no longer a problem drinker but also for preventive reasons and personal preference not a social drinker, either.
But I am still very much struggling with issues in recovery. Depression and anxiety are biggies. And recently I have come to a greater revelation of my caffeine addiction. As in, it is far worse than my addiction to alcohol ever was. As in, it is aggravating every emotional and physical problem I have. In some cases it may even be causing them.
In the back of my head, I knew my consumption of caffeine was out of control. But denial is a beast, isn’t it?
I am admitting right now that I am powerless over my addiction to caffeine and my compulsion to consume it. My life, all aspects of it, is being affected and becoming unmanageable because of it. I drink more than I need. I drink more than I wanted to originally. Enough to create consequences in the areas of health, happiness, relationships etc.
To give you an idea of how much I was taking in:
2-3 cups of coffee in morning before work.
1-3 cups during work (depending on day)
At least 1 soda while at work (lately I’ve been on a Pepsi Max kick. Extra CAFFEINE!)
1-2 Soda’s or Ice Tea’s after work
Now, in our “it’s cool to be caffeinated” culture, some of you may not think that is a big deal. But I know that is entirely too much for me. That’s the part that is the most frustrating about this whole process is that I KNOW ALREADY. I know I have history of anxiety and depression. I know that stimulants aggravate glandular functions which in turn cause things like chronic fatigue, weight gain, blood sugar inconsistencies, digestive distress. I know that my already somewhat goofy heartbeat goes a little goofier. I KNOW THESE THINGS.
And that just reinforces the idea that for me, caffeine is one of those substances I need to keep far far away from me. Because even though I know how sensitive my system is to it, how much damage it is doing to me, I keep chugging it down…getting fix after fix after fix. Well, I was until mid-afternoon on Monday. Since then I have had very very little in the way of coffee/sodas.
So, I’m in the throes of detoxing. I have enlisted support at home, and support at work. But today is rough and I know the next couple of days may get rougher. I’m barely fit for being out of the house right now…suffering all sorts of physical withdrawal symptoms and about as emotionally unstable as I can be while still getting out of bed to do my thing (however roughly I accomplish it).
If you don’t hear from me for a few days, that would be why.
I have come to a point in my ongoing recovery where I really believe that my original issue (alcohol consumption) has finally died. I feel like I have gotten to the point where it is just a settled thing that I cannot drink anything alcoholic, ever again. There’s no getting back to the point where a social glass of wine is okie dokie, because I know, I have come to terms with the fact that one is never going to be enough. Maybe I would only have one that first time, maybe even three times. But eventually I would tip over to the “dark side” of my previous habits and consume more than I needed. More than I wanted to originally. Enough to create consequences in the areas of health, happiness, relationships etc.
My identity is now that of a non-drinker. I am certainly no longer a problem drinker but also for preventive reasons and personal preference not a social drinker, either.
But I am still very much struggling with issues in recovery. Depression and anxiety are biggies. And recently I have come to a greater revelation of my caffeine addiction. As in, it is far worse than my addiction to alcohol ever was. As in, it is aggravating every emotional and physical problem I have. In some cases it may even be causing them.
In the back of my head, I knew my consumption of caffeine was out of control. But denial is a beast, isn’t it?
I am admitting right now that I am powerless over my addiction to caffeine and my compulsion to consume it. My life, all aspects of it, is being affected and becoming unmanageable because of it. I drink more than I need. I drink more than I wanted to originally. Enough to create consequences in the areas of health, happiness, relationships etc.
To give you an idea of how much I was taking in:
2-3 cups of coffee in morning before work.
1-3 cups during work (depending on day)
At least 1 soda while at work (lately I’ve been on a Pepsi Max kick. Extra CAFFEINE!)
1-2 Soda’s or Ice Tea’s after work
Now, in our “it’s cool to be caffeinated” culture, some of you may not think that is a big deal. But I know that is entirely too much for me. That’s the part that is the most frustrating about this whole process is that I KNOW ALREADY. I know I have history of anxiety and depression. I know that stimulants aggravate glandular functions which in turn cause things like chronic fatigue, weight gain, blood sugar inconsistencies, digestive distress. I know that my already somewhat goofy heartbeat goes a little goofier. I KNOW THESE THINGS.
And that just reinforces the idea that for me, caffeine is one of those substances I need to keep far far away from me. Because even though I know how sensitive my system is to it, how much damage it is doing to me, I keep chugging it down…getting fix after fix after fix. Well, I was until mid-afternoon on Monday. Since then I have had very very little in the way of coffee/sodas.
So, I’m in the throes of detoxing. I have enlisted support at home, and support at work. But today is rough and I know the next couple of days may get rougher. I’m barely fit for being out of the house right now…suffering all sorts of physical withdrawal symptoms and about as emotionally unstable as I can be while still getting out of bed to do my thing (however roughly I accomplish it).
If you don’t hear from me for a few days, that would be why.