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Shame Shame Shame

Posted Feb 11 2010 7:15am
UGH! It starts with the first step right - I AM POWERLESS OVER MONEY & SPENDING

I'm putting this in a public arena so that I don't HIDE. Being rigorously honest, I bounced a check yesterday. It filled/fills me with shame a HUGE amount of shame. Shame is a feeling I used to constantly live with before I got sober. I could never do anything right, or live up to the expectations I made for myself as unrealistic as they were. It was also the MOST over-powering feeling the morning after, after those night where I SWORE I wouldn't drink like that, which inevitably I would, which would lead me to situations & places I should not have been in, which would them lead to MORE drinking to kill that shame, which of course it never did. We all know that cycle.

Nowadays, for me shame leads to picking up that huge & heavy bat and starting to beat myself with it. I'm proud to say I didn't do it nearly as much as I used to. More proud though that I've reached THAT point. The point where I really look at these actions and say OK, what can I do different? How can I be more disciplined?

I think a huge part of it is my own impulses on things like coffee (that Starbucks adds up QUICK) and I also need to learn my limits. It's hard in this city - always something to do, people to see, brunch, lunch, coffee, dinner. I will work on these things!

I am grateful today for learning lessons
I am grateful for ALL the comments I got on my previous post & that I can welcome new friends into my world
I am grateful I got to see 'The Phantom of the Opera' last night - for free!
I am grateful that I'm going to a meeting tonight
I am grateful for the ability to show up at work
I am grateful to have the job(s) I have.
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