Sometime, I really do consider myself a freak. The noon AA meeting yesterday was about my least favorite topic ... The Fellowship. One would think that topic would produce gratitude. Instead, for me, each time we share about The Fellowship, I am triggered into feelings of isolating. Talking about The Fellowship reminds me that I have so few real friends. I'm talking about people that I hang out with. People I call or speak to regularly. People I visit outside the rooms of AA. People I do things with.
You see, there is no one that fits that description.
I am still a loner.
This pisses me off -- at me. I can't seem to change the fact that I'm a loner. I'm still - and always may be - afraid to put myself out there. So I have to live with it. Usually it's OK. But when there is a meeting about The Fellowship, I am triggered.
todAAy i AAm grAAteful & thAAnkful
that even though I feel apart from The Fellowship, it's only a feeling and not necessarily a fact
that my busy daily schedule is flexible enough to change, although I often resist it
that a sponsee called me when he needed help, and I could actually be there for him
that Hayden still has his ways with me - emotionally (why am I grateful for this?)
for my sponsor, who knows just what to say to me when my ass is falling off