Since typing this out truly 'in the moment while tears poured I have talken it to the rooms and have recieved lots of good feedback and suggestions... my comments having thought more, talked with others and my sponsor follow below.
~~~~~
Saturday June 2nd - early evening:
I was watching “America’s Funniest Videos” ,there was a toddler with a laundry basket, just like “Sweet Pea”, my son…that innocent face looking up at the camera. And the tears just started flowing!
I keep thinking about him, every time I see a kid on TV, a child toddling, I cry and grieve and wish I could go back, to live that happiness again. I know I can’t, I know I am where I supposed to be, this is GOD’s will, not mine, I am not in charge. But I hurt so badly inside missing my son.
He turned 16 on the 30th and I was a mess inside, tearing up while reading “Whiskey’s Child” at work (sitting with Ms. Iris) OMG, It’s those damned feelings I get back again! I am grateful thru my tears, I grieve for the marriage I fucked up, for pushing everyone away, for marrying a loser, just to be loved. I pushed him to do it, I clung like a vine when he was so obviously the wrong man for me….my sense of self was so fouled up and lost.
I have dreamed lately about him, how angry and hurt I was when he cheated and toyed with my mind for weeks while he wavered from me to her, and I let him, I allowed the hurt to continue.
My tears pour out and the wound is so fresh and raw, he did love me and I him at the start, but we were simply loving the nearest one, never really grownups, he @ 27 and I @ 17, 2 lost drunks looking for the “perfect couple” fairytale.
My tears are tears of sadness for a life and a son and a marriage that seem like a farce, like a play that we acted in, but my son is so angry… I would be too, if my mom was a bitch like me, never happy, always pressing me to be perfect and make her look like a good mom.
For a dad that drank like a fish while I was a baby, violent and aloof, both parents angry at everything and nothing. For being brought into a life with no constants and over emotional relatives, with step-sisters and extended family, sicknesses, cancer and drama, drama, drama…all the pressure must have been horrible for him… I ache to hold my son, for him to lie next to me with a book and ask me to “pet” him. Stroking his fears away while I smoothed his hair across his forehead.
If only for one moment I’d give a limb to hear that cute little voice say, “sing my songs Mommy,” and to perch on the bedside with ‘Kumbya’, ‘Jesus Loves the Little Children’ and “When you wish upon a star…” petting his little head and loving him and trying to be the Mom of the year. I remember my Mom singing to me too.
I cooked, I made curtains, I cleaned and I went to karate class, I PTA’ed, I cared for Mom, I raised my eyes and heart above every time I hurt or had a problem but never. never enough to thank GOD for the wonderful child I now miss so much I could scream!
I sob uncontrollably now…. I am grieving the imperfect life we had, looking back to so many mistakes and forgiving myself…I did the best I could with what I had and what I knew.
Why is it so hard to feel these feelings? I cry and just feel so sad…soooooo sad. Not sorry for myself just sad that I ‘missed it’ when I had that perfect little person in my arms. Wishing he’d go to sleep faster, or go to school or leave me alone so I could do this or that…omg the guilt is unreal.
Feelings suck sometimes.
I’m so thankful to be sober, it’s the best I’ve ever been so when he’s ready I can be the mom he deserves.
Grieving the lost love of my ex, I really did truly love him, fuckup or not…I guess I just let the anger go, I forgave him for his alcoholism and then THESE feelings were in the next layer. The sad layer.
The chapter, “To the Wives” ALWAYS makes me emotional. I picture the men in the discussion apologizing and telling on themselves as A. Sr. (my ex-husband) They look back and grieve too, and they feel all this shit, and I feel like he’s saying it to me, sorry I got drunk again, sorry I forgot to get milk again, sorry I passed out again….all things I did later too, we were out of synch from the very moment we met.
Circa November 1990/In Love, Pregnant, & Happy Ancient History:
I applied for a job at a gas station, he was fixing a roof. Driving behind his work truck I saw him in the mirror, coulda been anyone, looking back at the life and feelings…he noticed me, and I him (his attention that is) and he flirted (or simply fixed the mirror), and at the light he asked me “anyone ever tell ya you were a sweet thing?” Desperate and starved for affection and approval I fell for it.
We went to the club he was a member of, and lived above….telltale sign of life to come eh? We got drunk and had sex and he passed out. I left him a note and he called the next day. I had lied to my mom about where I was and my sister told me I had a message.
I called him back and went to meet him for more beer and sex. I was ‘in love’…good LORD, what the fuck!?
He gave me his paycheck and said “see you at 3 o’clock”…looking back I suppose I had the choice right then: but I kept coming back….back to him and the drinking and the false feeling of approval and warped sense of self…we kept drinking and fucking and pretending…
You know the rest…
Thanks for letting me share.
I love you A. Jr. I’m sorry, I hope you call me someday and want a hug. I’d do just about anything to hold you now, to feel your head on my shoulder…I’m proud of you son. I love you “a million buxx”. Please forgive me for being a lousy Mom.
~~~~~
I shared this at a noon meeting the other day and one man heard resentment in my share...I had avoided thinking that was the feeling and after thinking about it, I think that's waht it is, something I was holding back about feeling...as we do I was 'stuffing it' down deep and once the uber anger was peeled off, the sadness and grief of guilt for being such a mean and angry woman/mother/person/daughter are finally ready to surface.
The tears have since the revelation or Spiritual Awakening as one friend termed it, that I even still HAD this crap burried deep inside...have lessened and I am able to accept with GOD's help the healing that is coming into my life. The promises come true little by little and as the BigBook says: "...sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly..."
I pray daily for acceptance, willingness, teachability and MORE acceptance.
I'll be back around later to include the last few days over-activity, but I have a Physical Therapy appointment and one with a local Church Outreach that may offer some assistance for the rent situation.
I'm thinking of all of you in the Cyber AA world, I will be making time to visit your blogs late this evening to see what's going on in
your worlds.
Love to all!
Shugg~
~~~~~
Saturday June 2nd - early evening:
I was watching “America’s Funniest Videos” ,there was a toddler with a laundry basket, just like “Sweet Pea”, my son…that innocent face looking up at the camera. And the tears just started flowing!
I keep thinking about him, every time I see a kid on TV, a child toddling, I cry and grieve and wish I could go back, to live that happiness again. I know I can’t, I know I am where I supposed to be, this is GOD’s will, not mine, I am not in charge. But I hurt so badly inside missing my son.
He turned 16 on the 30th and I was a mess inside, tearing up while reading “Whiskey’s Child” at work (sitting with Ms. Iris) OMG, It’s those damned feelings I get back again! I am grateful thru my tears, I grieve for the marriage I fucked up, for pushing everyone away, for marrying a loser, just to be loved. I pushed him to do it, I clung like a vine when he was so obviously the wrong man for me….my sense of self was so fouled up and lost.
I have dreamed lately about him, how angry and hurt I was when he cheated and toyed with my mind for weeks while he wavered from me to her, and I let him, I allowed the hurt to continue.
My tears pour out and the wound is so fresh and raw, he did love me and I him at the start, but we were simply loving the nearest one, never really grownups, he @ 27 and I @ 17, 2 lost drunks looking for the “perfect couple” fairytale.
My tears are tears of sadness for a life and a son and a marriage that seem like a farce, like a play that we acted in, but my son is so angry… I would be too, if my mom was a bitch like me, never happy, always pressing me to be perfect and make her look like a good mom.
For a dad that drank like a fish while I was a baby, violent and aloof, both parents angry at everything and nothing. For being brought into a life with no constants and over emotional relatives, with step-sisters and extended family, sicknesses, cancer and drama, drama, drama…all the pressure must have been horrible for him… I ache to hold my son, for him to lie next to me with a book and ask me to “pet” him. Stroking his fears away while I smoothed his hair across his forehead.
If only for one moment I’d give a limb to hear that cute little voice say, “sing my songs Mommy,” and to perch on the bedside with ‘Kumbya’, ‘Jesus Loves the Little Children’ and “When you wish upon a star…” petting his little head and loving him and trying to be the Mom of the year. I remember my Mom singing to me too.
I cooked, I made curtains, I cleaned and I went to karate class, I PTA’ed, I cared for Mom, I raised my eyes and heart above every time I hurt or had a problem but never. never enough to thank GOD for the wonderful child I now miss so much I could scream!
I sob uncontrollably now…. I am grieving the imperfect life we had, looking back to so many mistakes and forgiving myself…I did the best I could with what I had and what I knew.
Why is it so hard to feel these feelings? I cry and just feel so sad…soooooo sad. Not sorry for myself just sad that I ‘missed it’ when I had that perfect little person in my arms. Wishing he’d go to sleep faster, or go to school or leave me alone so I could do this or that…omg the guilt is unreal.
Feelings suck sometimes.
I’m so thankful to be sober, it’s the best I’ve ever been so when he’s ready I can be the mom he deserves.
Grieving the lost love of my ex, I really did truly love him, fuckup or not…I guess I just let the anger go, I forgave him for his alcoholism and then THESE feelings were in the next layer. The sad layer.
The chapter, “To the Wives” ALWAYS makes me emotional. I picture the men in the discussion apologizing and telling on themselves as A. Sr. (my ex-husband) They look back and grieve too, and they feel all this shit, and I feel like he’s saying it to me, sorry I got drunk again, sorry I forgot to get milk again, sorry I passed out again….all things I did later too, we were out of synch from the very moment we met.
Circa November 1990/In Love, Pregnant, & Happy
Ancient History:
I applied for a job at a gas station, he was fixing a roof. Driving behind his work truck I saw him in the mirror, coulda been anyone, looking back at the life and feelings…he noticed me, and I him (his attention that is) and he flirted (or simply fixed the mirror), and at the light he asked me “anyone ever tell ya you were a sweet thing?” Desperate and starved for affection and approval I fell for it.
We went to the club he was a member of, and lived above….telltale sign of life to come eh? We got drunk and had sex and he passed out. I left him a note and he called the next day. I had lied to my mom about where I was and my sister told me I had a message.
I called him back and went to meet him for more beer and sex. I was ‘in love’…good LORD, what the fuck!?
He gave me his paycheck and said “see you at 3 o’clock”…looking back I suppose I had the choice right then: but I kept coming back….back to him and the drinking and the false feeling of approval and warped sense of self…we kept drinking and fucking and pretending…
You know the rest…
Thanks for letting me share.
I love you A. Jr. I’m sorry, I hope you call me someday and want a hug. I’d do just about anything to hold you now, to feel your head on my shoulder…I’m proud of you son. I love you “a million buxx”. Please forgive me for being a lousy Mom.
~~~~~
I shared this at a noon meeting the other day and one man heard resentment in my share...I had avoided thinking that was the feeling and after thinking about it, I think that's waht it is, something I was holding back about feeling...as we do I was 'stuffing it' down deep and once the uber anger was peeled off, the sadness and grief of guilt for being such a mean and angry woman/mother/person/daughter are finally ready to surface.
The tears have since the revelation or Spiritual Awakening as one friend termed it, that I even still HAD this crap burried deep inside...have lessened and I am able to accept with GOD's help the healing that is coming into my life. The promises come true little by little and as the BigBook says: "...sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly..."
I pray daily for acceptance, willingness, teachability and MORE acceptance.
I'll be back around later to include the last few days over-activity, but I have a Physical Therapy appointment and one with a local Church Outreach that may offer some assistance for the rent situation.
I'm thinking of all of you in the Cyber AA world, I will be making time to visit your blogs late this evening to see what's going on in your worlds.
Love to all!
Shugg~