One of the most interesting things I have come to realize and probably one of the most beneficial things, is that I no longer have an excuse. I can no longer blame alcohol or being hungover for anything. I can't say things like
- I shouldn't have hooked up with that guy but I was so drunk.
- I shouldn't have peed on that couch but I was so drunk I passed out.
- I shouldn't have eaten that entire pizza but I was drunk or hungover.
- I should have gone to work but I was too hungover and don't care.
- I shouldn't have gotten in that fight but I was drunk and emotional.
- I shouldn't have driven my car but I was drunk and thought I was fine.
- I shouldn't have...but I did.
Without drinking I don't have an excuse...I've lost that crutch that I have been using for the past decade. It seems nice (and more mature) to be able to say that everything I do and say is genuine, is who I really am, and is not altered or influenced by anything other than my emotions. However, it is a little scary to not be able to blame things on alcohol. For so long, I have rationalized my bad decisions with being drunk or hungover or something of the like...and now, it is all me. A clear head, clear actions and clear thoughts (minus the crazy girl emotions that sneak in their on a daily basis).
It is very refreshing to not be scared anymore. For a long time I have been scared of what would happen when I was drunk....would I spend too much money, would I break or lose my phone or camera, would I say something inappropriate, would I pee on someone's couch, or would I have sex with someone that I would regret in the morning? Now I know these things won't happen....well, these things won't happen without me making a conscious decision to allow them to happen...without me, in a fully competent state of mind, deciding that I will do them.
It is a good feeling. I am no longer hiding behind "Well I was drunk". All I can say now is "Well that's me". This is Erica...no remixes...just me. No more blaming it on the a-a-a-a-l-co-hol.