This meeting was on the Al-Anon 3rd Step. It was ad- hoc, as there was not someone who prepared for the meeting. But as in all things good, and non-judgemental, it was a resounding success.
There were about 10 men there. All of us a various stages in life and with Al-Anon.
I cannot explain how impressed I am with some of the members and how what one might call them, "wicked smart." I know I do. Their voices were voices of helpfulness, centeredness and all good.
We talked about God. I struggled with the concept of a God for much of my life. I learned later in life, or have come to believe, that there is "something" out there. It was a can be a "higher consciousness" or a "Power" greater than us all. The Al-Anon program has helped me understand this more clearly and consciously.
The meeting turned to the subject of "control" and "letting go." And this letting go meant not trying to understand why people do certain things. Again, as I pointed out in Monday's post, about how a meeting can turn, based upon what you speak about or how you say something, I found this same experience holing true last night. When I spoke about my feelings about a HP and the issue of my wife heading off to the lake and not even thinking to ask us, the next people that spoke, while they didn't speak at me, spoke about their experiences, and how similar they were, yet different, - but also what they did, wished they did do or not do, all based upon their learnings and more years of experience in Al-Anon. Of course, I could relate their situations to mine immediately.
I came to the conclusion, last night, that I was trying to control my wife, perhaps in a strange sorta way, from going to the lake/mountains and it is not my right to do so. I am having a hard time with this concept intellectually and emotionally. I understand the concept, but when someone wants to dive off a building, or a cliff, do you not let them go? Maybe this an extreme argument, justifying my position. Yes. Of course it is. She is heading off to the lake/mountains with friends who will be drinking. Not a cliff. But maybe a cliff in the drinking world, but not a cliff in real life.
What I have decided after last night, is it is God's will for this to happen. I cannot change it or control it. I am working Step 1; I am powerless over the situation. And my mind has become unmanageable about it. I resent the thought that no one asked me if I had plans. But that is the unmanageable showing up, based upon someone else's decision.
I am focusing on myself. And that was another key message last night.
I think I am going to use my energies of worry, doubt and fear and use these energies on how I can improve myself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We had dinner last night, and one of the gentlemen who spoke right after me spent time explaining his life and what happened to him. I saw him at several meetings before and he has a certain peace about him. [A "Certain Peace." I like that term.] He said he gave up trying to figure everyone and everything out. Peace. I am not sure how you do that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Last night, before the meeting, I completed my apologies for having accused others of enabling my wife and allowing her to go to the lake house. It was a reaction when I accused them, covering up hurt from a sense of uncaring. This may be borderline rationalization and justification when I make that statement. But I make it and I judge my words, perhaps too harshly, perhaps right on target. I am not sure now. I am only sure about work, it seems.
Footnote If you come across this blog, you will find a grown man, a sometimes irreverent man, a pissed off man, a hurt man, one who will come out on the other side of this better in some ways, and different in others. Maybe not what I expected of where I thought this life was going, but I really had no plan or vision of what my future would look like, in truth. Maybe this is forcing me to think about where I REALLY want to end up. And really what matters.