LISTENING TO OUR INNER VOICE..AND TAKING AWAY THE CAR KEYS
Posted Apr 29 2007 12:00am
Post from Hunter I am OK today. A co-worker of mine who did exactly the same job as me was offered an amazing full time opportunity at the company I currently work at doing a job that I would be great at. I am sad about this, especially as I really need the money. BUT I have wonderful 12 step recovery. I processed my feelings and my anger, including feeling like a total and complete LOSER! It is really hard not to be self deprecating and get down but more important is that I acknowledged my feelings and remembered that feelings are not facts and that I am not the first well qualified person to get passed over for an opportunity. I felt God's hands embracing me and letting me know that this was just not the right opportunity. I really like the person whom they offered the job to and frankly he deserves it. It probably was not the right opportunity for me, I may not be ready for that kind of opportunity , my personality and appearance probably would not have worked with the team involved in it and there probably is something better for me in the offing...I am so desperate for work that I think I should be offered everything....Most good things happen to those who wait and usually not to desperate people...And for me God has always made me wait longer than most. While I am upset, I am happy for my male colleague...Notice that a man was offered this job and as I think throughthe company I work at men have the top jobs and women have the support jobs....Glass ceiling has not gone away! But my recovery teaches me that there is a plan and I trust it. I know that I am giving my best everyday. That is all I can do..and as my sponsor would say NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have not been to many Alanon meetings lately but after this experience I thought it would be a good idea to go and share my recovery with others and listen...I don't feel the need to go to a lot of meetings and I know that is OK. Many would give different advice, including my sister, who is a therapist and in recovery for 20years. She calls me once in a blue moon and is really not a big part of my life...Last night was one of those periodic calls and it concluded with a lecture to me about not going to meetings...Recovery is the ability to let someone talk and acknowledge that you have heard them and if you do not agree don't engage simply say thank you...It took so long for me to learn this..BUT this behavior really does work. I am today emotionally healthy and I know that my inner voice is the only one I need listen to. This voice helps me to always do the next right thing and it helps me to learn to keep my mouth shut at times when I did not in the past. I always get into trouble when I do not listen to this voice.
I have been helping others recently who have posted on various alcoholism websites...I am struck by the postings from people whose alcoholic loved ones are driving cars and they are doing nothing about it. There was no metaphor intended by using the word struck but it is interesting.
ANYONE WHO KNOWINGLY ALLOWS SOMEONE TO DRIVE DRUNK IS JUST AS GUILTY AS THE DRUNK DRIVER. PLEASE IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU ARE IN THIS SITUATION STOP THE PERSON FROM DRIVING NOW, BEFORE SOMEONE'S BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was in this situation during Mark's years of drinking and like most people who become crazy because of someone's alcoholism I was in denial.
When I think back on all the years I was in a car with him when he was driving drunk and all the times he drove our child in the car without me, or with me, and he was drunk, I realize how lucky we are as a family that nothing ever happened AND how increbibly sick and stupid I was for allowing this.....Note I credit good luck with nothing happening as it was far from sound judgement.
It was about a year ago today that I finally had the car keys taken away from Mark. I was unable to do this on my own-I was so very sick in the head and overwhelmed from the madness and chaos created by alcoholism in the home and by my denial and inability to accept the situation and do the next right thing. I remember being outside in a screaming match with my drunk husband and begging him not to get into the car. I remember calling my alanon sponsor to help me-she is an angel and I owe much of my recovery to her loving, kind and gentle guidance. She has never let me down or failed me and I am so lucky to have her in my life. My sponsor explained to me that I could lose everything by allowing him to drive...If he hurt or killed someone in an accident I would be liable and that I could lose my house and everything, especially since the cars are registered in my name! She told me that I would be just as guilty as my husband if anything happened and urged me to call the police to handle the matter since I was clearly in no frame of mind mentally to do the right thing....On that day my sponsor was my inner voice and I listened to EVERYTHING she said. I called the police and they were in our driveway within 5 minutes....What a horrible experience to have gone through but how right this decision was. As it turned out my husband's ability to get a license was under suspension from other traffic violations, he was visibly intoxicated and the police "guarded" our street for 24 hours to make sure he was not driving.... We bought him a bike and for 10 months he did not drive a car. He managed to continue drinking and driving but the driving was on a bike and therefore more of a danger to himself than anyone else.
PLEASE if you are reading this and are allowing an alcoholic you love to drive drunk stop it now and either take the keys away or get help taking them away before something horrible happens..Do not rely on luck..I was a very stupid woman for doing this and I am lucky nothing ever happened.!
TODAY..I am so grateful for Mark's recovery and for mine. I am not sure I would have the peace and joy I have today without Mark's sobriety and commitment to AA. I really love and need him very much and as I do not have a very close extended family, my dad is dead, and my mom no longer knows who I am because of her Alzheimer's I am so alone without him. We are helping each other grow as we both recover and it is a wonderful experience. I credit our recovery again with good luck as well as divine intervention and hard work.
So many things in our life are difficult at present I am grateful that God has given us the chance to grow together again as a family and experience all the joys as a result...Not everyone in an alcoholic situation is this lucky...BUT all can find the best "next right thing"and move forward. Learning to find our inner voice and to listen to it is key to recovery....Mine is telling me today to be grateful to to get off the computer now and get some exercise....