Wow... Talk about getting hit hard from out of the blue. I definitely am not feeling the full impact yet. I feel numb, and that's fine for now.
This afternoon, my 2 bosses called me into their office at about ten after 5:00 to tell me they had come to a decision to let me go. "Nothing personal... we're so happy with you and your work... you're a kind, caring person..." and so on. They say they're $60 grand in the hole with payrolls right now, and since the market has taken such a nosedive, they've had to look for ways to cut expenditures, and my job is the most expendable.
I know what they're saying is true. I work in a real estate business, and we're definitely being hit by the economy and the housing market in general. But part of me can't help but wonder, What if I'd just worked harder and been more positive and willing to do anything they asked with nary a complaint? What if I had just logged my 40 hours I was hired to do and never put in all the overtime necessary to actually do my job and do it well? What if I hadn't had to occasionally take time off to go to therapy during the week? Maybe I do bear some responsibility in their choosing my job as the one to cut.
But then, one of my bosses called as soon as I got home to make sure I was okay, and to offer a tangible lead and her personal help in finding another position for me. And, they both hugged me and cried before I left today, too, and asked me if they could help in any well, saying they'd write letters of recommendation, or whatever I needed. So maybe it's not me.
My first thought -- and I'm so grateful for this! -- was "When God closes a door, He opens a window." I kept repeating it to myself over and over, like a mantra. I did think about drinking, but only for a moment, and the thought immediately launched the "play it through" scenario.
Of course, that's still where my alcoholic mind wants to take me when faced with a crisis, or any situation in which I feel off balance or uncomfortable or just downright scared to death: the thought that a drink will help. But it stops there, usually, and I almost automatically start playing the thought through to its consequences and realize how ludicrous it is.
How cool, though, that it wasn't my first thought, or even my second, that instead, I began silently and consciously communicating with my Higher Power! What a gift it is to realize that He is with me and will see me through this. Even though mine is the only income coming in to our household right now, and even though we are at our lowest point financially in years, I really do know that with the help of my Higher Power, I will walk through this, and come out safely on the other side, and who knows what opportunities may be in store for me?
So, I'm still a little in shock, a little sad, and a little scared, but my overwhelming sense right now is that I'm right where I'm supposed to be, and I'm eager to see what God has planned.
I just hope this attitude lasts! I'll keep you keep you posted, but right now, I need to get to a meeting.