I just placed into my God box a note asking for help in "letting go" and gaining peace and serenity this week. Then I go to Robert Anthony's book - by the way - not approved by the Al-Anon conference - and open up the page and there is a whole section on letting go.
Life and Al-Anon work this way for me now. The synchronicity thing . . .
I am going to quote from it and paraphrase what is means to me this morning.
"Whenever we get a strong belief, whenever we think that what we know is the truth, we then lock onto that belief as a defense against conflicting beliefs. We cannot hold conflicting beliefs in our mind without anxiety or distress. So what we do is gather supportive data and information to prove we are right and not crazy for believing what we believe. This can work against us in seeking out the truth because we operate in accord with the truth as we see it and not as it is.
Sometimes we hold on to opinions, attitudes and beliefs that no longer serve us. This is why we must examine our beliefs on a regular basis to see where we might be lying to ourselves or locking out information that may be more relevant. Why don’t we do this? We lock out the truth because we don't want to be wrong, make a mistake, or feel bad."
The words, "to prove we are right" hits me this morning. In my battle against alcoholism - my wife who is the alcoholic - I knew in my heart and intuition something was wrong. My wife, told me lies and made me think I was wrong. I fought to prove I was right. Now I lock onto my opinions and try to prove my "opinions" are right in normal, every day life - probably out of habit - but mostly out of feeling "less than" or insignificant.
I really don't think I do this as often as I did - in fact - I think I do this very rarely - but - I may be wrong. I need to look out for when I am tired.
I was tired last night. A person asked me out to a New Years celebration. I couldn't go and in reality -didn't want to. I am not a partying person right now. I know - boring. But I couldn't help but hear these words and start my judgment with this person . . .
She said, "I want to be around people and sip champagne . . ." I am saying to myself, "Why?"
I have no desire to do this. I locked onto this and started my questioning of her "desire" which was a form of judgment. It was on the phone that we had this conversation. This makes it doubly bad. My voice is deep and resonate. It can sound - well - hard. I am not hard - but when I am tired, I come across - well - I dislike admitting it - bad. I sounded controlling. I was manipulative in my questions.
This person is a nice person. Different values. Different desires. I said I wasn't going - and couldn't. I just should have "let go." And of course - I am beating myself up for my slip of judging. New Years was never a great time for me.
I had conflicting beliefs - because the truth is - I did want to go. I couldn't and shouldn't. I have stopped all alcohol intake. Not because I am an alcoholic - but because it scares the crap out of me now that I have seen its power and cunningness.
I am afraid of all who drink. I am afraid of anyone I might be attracted to. I know this disease could pop up again in my life. I am - afraid of it - no . . . scared shitless of it.
I am letting go today - because it is out of my "control."