As you can see I am still here and I am still here SOBER and I guess that’s what really matters. Yesterday was awful for me. I felt like my life was closing in on me and closing in really fast. I felt like I had to do something, anything to stop it but had no clue what that something, anything should be. By afternoon I swore I was going to have to live in that black hole for the rest of my life, the panic was huge and scary. I haven’t had a day like that in a long time. I think the last time I felt that kind of panic was about 4 years ago and I woke up one morning and couldn’t find my daughter. At the time she was only 4 and we have an above ground pool out back. I ran around holding my son whom was a newborn at the time, clutching on to him because I felt if I let him go he would disappear also. The good news is she wasn’t in that pool, the bad news was she was at a neighbor’s house getting her hair done. Ummmmmmmm I know…why the hell that mother didn’t bring her home is beyond me but I tell you I felt such relief just to see her when that neighbor’s door opened from my vigorous rapping, well more like banging. Yesterday, was like I was running around trying to make sense of everything and trying to find that something but I had no clue what it was I needed to find. The panic took over every inch of my body and brain, my chest I was sure was going to explode right along with my head.
But I survived it and I survived it without the numbness of alcohol. Somehow I knew the alcohol would only make the black hole bigger, wider, and more demanding. I sware I was losing my mind or had lost it somewhere along the way.