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I Made It Through The Black Hole

Posted Dec 17 2009 12:00am

As you can see I am still here and I am still here SOBER and I guess that’s what really matters.  Yesterday was awful for me.  I felt like my life was closing in on me and closing in really fast.  I felt like I had to do something, anything to stop it but had no clue what that something, anything should be.  By afternoon I swore I was going to have to live in that black hole for the rest of my life, the panic was huge and scary.  I haven’t had a day like that in a long time.  I think the last time I felt that kind of panic was about 4 years ago and I woke up one morning and couldn’t find my daughter.  At the time she was only 4 and we have an above ground pool out back.  I ran around holding my son whom was a newborn at the time, clutching on to him because I felt if I let him go he would disappear also.  The good news is she wasn’t in that pool, the bad news was she was at a neighbor’s house getting her hair done.  Ummmmmmmm I know…why the hell that mother didn’t bring her home is beyond me but I tell you I felt such relief just to see her when that neighbor’s door opened from my vigorous rapping, well more like banging.  Yesterday, was like I was running around trying to make sense of everything and trying to find that something but I had no clue what it was I needed to find.  The panic took over every inch of my body and brain, my chest I was sure was going to explode right along with my head.

But I survived it and I survived it without the numbness of alcohol.  Somehow I knew the alcohol would only make the black hole bigger, wider, and more demanding.  I sware I was losing my mind or had lost it somewhere along the way.

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