As Father's Day approaches, I suddenly realize why my blood father might have called this week after almost three years of silence. I can't know for sure, of course, but he's probably feeling sorry for himself again. That's his MO. And someone in his 80's just doesn't change. He says he has something important to tell me and wants to come for a visit. My sponsor reminded me that I have choices here. And my decision right now is to wait and see, having told my blood father that now is not a good time, which is the truth.
It probably isn't coincidental that I just put him on my Step 6 list under people I haven't totally forgiven. And when I ask God to make me willing to let go of a resentment, He/She usually gives me an opportunity to face that resentment head on. So I thanked God this morning for my blood father calling. I asked for His/Her will for my life and the power to carry that out (Step 11).
I also thanked God for my step father who adopted me, loves my mother, and is taking care of her in her old age - not an easy task. He's the best parent I have, the most normal parent I have. He's the one who stays in touch consistently and sends out greeting cards. He's the one who supported me financially and emotionally and was there at my high school and college graduations. He gave me away at my wedding.
And he's the one I sent a Father's Day card to. I honestly, completely, didn't remember my blood father when shopping for cards for my dad and my husband. That is a good thing after years of trying to get him to be the parent he's never been and never will be. He's sick and the best thing I can do for myself is forgive him but at the same time take care of myself. I don't know what form that will take, but I do know that God will let me know what is best for me.
I do know that He/She loves me more than I can fathom, more than I love my children and grandchild. And with that, I know I am worthy of good things and good people in my life. I no longer search out sick people to fill the void that was left when my blood father left and my mother was no longer able to love me the way I would have preferred. She, like all my parents, did the best she could. And I, too, am doing the best I can.