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Evaluations

Posted Apr 27 2009 10:04pm

Today I return to my doctor’s office, hopefully to be told what a fantastic patient I’ve been and that they fully expect me to be 100% sooner than anyone else who’s undergone this type of surgery.

You know you are a little out of balance when you eagerly await an event as benign as a doctor’s checkup because you are pretty sure it will provide a wisp of positive feedback to carry you through the day. Even worse, that you feel competitive in your recovery. But, quite frankly, I’ll take anyone’s approval these days. I’ve been craving approval for years, can trace it back to events in my childhood that left me marked. And I’ve done a ton of emotional grunt-work to overcome that desire for other people’s approval and replace it with a heartfelt commitment to seek His approval above all else.

But lately, my focus has been off. I am having a dickens of a time getting out of bed in the morning to have my quiet time. I’ve fallen off my caffeine-free wagon. I’ve vegetated in front of too many DVDs and have had to force myself to finish books that I would’ve absorbed eagerly a year ago. I’ve let some responsibilities slide at work.  I can give myself *some* grace, given my recent circumstances, but still. I’m desperate to get back into my groove (so to speak).

Like I said, focus is off.  Routines are banged up and bruised (like my knee!). Esteem is taking a hit. Ability to keep every plate spinning is faltering….

Then I read this:

“The Son is the radiance of God’s glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word.” (Hebrews 1:3)

Or in Jen-looked-up-the-Greek paraphrase:

The Son is the exact, precise replication of the substantial nature of God, and he bears upward all things by the power residing in Him by virtue of his very nature.

I’ve got to stop looking around and start looking up. I’ve got to stop expecting anyone other than God to be able to give me a clear view of what He wants for me, or the approval I desire. I’ve got to stop looking for substance, acceptance, approval in anyone other than the One who holds the only power that will bear me upward.

Even though I’ve learned these lessons over and over again, I still find myself slipping.

Thankfully, my God is a the God of getting up, dusting off, and walking on…

Eirene

Jen

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