The problem with having a new undertaking in your life is that it sends out ripples and I don't appreciate it. I realize that I want to compartmentalize my spiritual journey. Putting that into words makes me feel stupid.
I am a brand new postulate in a dispersed community of monks. That's a joyful thing. It begins a course of study, spiritual practice and exploration that can be as huge and unwieldy as I want to make it! Minimally, it will take three years and then I will profess into the order.
It dovetails with my purchase of the iPad which makes communication with other Ecumenical Franciscans effortless. To say nothing of my daily communion with the Amazon web site cruising for spiritual books that will make me smarter. I have a need to be well armed.
And that opens another door into my dis-ease. My separation from God comes up even in my pursuit for a closer relationship. I imagine that it will flow. I imagine that I can accommodate this new road of pursuit as easily as throwing another item into my shopping cart. Oh, the arrogance.
So, instead of my buoyant pleasure sailing me through the day I am plagued by uncertainty! Anxiety reigns and so I pray. And drink more coffee, play video games and fail miserably at staying in the moment. I cannot start, yet again on my spiritual autobiography. It will be the third or fourth time I've done it in the last couple years and I'm dragging my feet.
Those old buddies, Indecision and Ambivalence are parked in my driveway. They toot the horn to let me know that they can give me a ride around town, kill some time and drop me off when they feel like bringing me back home.
For now I will run to the porch and wave them on to call on someone else. I don't know what to do next but moment by moment I can remind myself that doubt is part of any spiritual journey. The old ways of thinking and reacting will fall away if I can loosen my grip and ask for help from you and the One who loves all.