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We Did Not Walk Away

Posted May 18 2009 12:00am

Cindy linked to this blog this morning where the mom of a large adoptive family writes these significant words after discussing the difficult things we sometimes face as adoptive parents:


We saw a problem, and we didn't walk away.


The post also includes a powerful video worth watching.

So during the months to come, with the repercussions of Black Friday hanging over the heads of us and our kids, I hope that a few people will get it. Maybe just maybe the preacher and his wife aren't bad parents. Maybe their children's choices aren't a result of their poor parenting. Maybe, just maybe, they are people who saw something hard, messy, ugly, tough .... and they chose to do something about it instead of walk away.

Maybe.

JOY

All Music Sunday was amazing today. It was about light -- and we ended with the song "Go Light Your World"

Carry Your Candle, run to the Darkness
Seek out the helpless, deceived and poor
Hold out your candle, for all to see it
Take your candle, and go light your world


We left that service full of energy and walked outside to the most gorgeous, warm spring day and it was impossible to not experience joy..... Enough to make it worth getting up again each day no matter what crap.

And I came home to awesome hugs from Leon, Ricardo, Jimmy, Sadie..... and I just know that life is truly going to give us enough joy to make up for the pain.

This was part of the service
Four candles slowly burned. The ambiance was so soft one could almost hear them talking. The first candle said, "I am Peace. The world is full of anger and fighting. Nobody can keep me lit." Then the flame of Peace went out completely.

The the second candle said, "I am Faith. I am no longer indispensable. It doesn't make sense that I should stay lit another moment." Just then a breeze softly blew out Faith's flame. Sadly the third candle began to speak
"I am Love! People don't understand my importance so they simply put me aside. They even forget to love those who are nearest to them. I haven' thte strength to stay lit." And waiting no longer, Love's flame went out.

But there was a fouth candle who questioned the other three: "Why aren't you burning? YOu're supposed to stay lit til the end? Don't be afraid. I am Hope. While I am still burning other candles can be relit." THen the candle of Hope shared its flame and relit the other candles.


It is very difficult now for me to be my optimistic hopeful self, but I am determined to keep my hope candle burning. Nobody can take that away....

Up Way Too Early

It's Sunday morning and we have a long day ahead of us. First there is All Music Sunday at church afterwhich I am going to be recruiting volunteers for our Sunday evening worship in the park this summer. The whole morning will involve a lot of emotoinal energy that I'm not sure I have.

This afternoon I have promised that we will grocery shop for meals this week as Bart is leaving town tonight for a week. Since the kids and i will be responsible for all the cooking, I promised to take those most involved in that endeavor with me to get groceries. By 3;15 we need to leave for a soccer game with Ricardo two hours from here and then take Bart to the hotel. We will need to take our most disruptive children with us so that they won't be left here to kill each other.

Although, I must post that last night Bart and I were able to sneak away for a very nice meal and a chance to talk. The topics were not pleasant ones, but we needed to plow through the "what are we going to do nexts" of several situations. Our kids did great while we were gone. The fact that Tony slept through our absence helped.

So, we will drive to the game, take Bart to the hotel, and then drive back home in time for bed. Supposedly Salinda will be returning tonight. She has a doctor's appointment in the morning, so she needs to be home.

I need energy for all this but I woke up at 5:30 and the thoughts began to churn in my head over and over again. Since we were up talking until 12:30, I only got 5 hours of sleep. I need more than that.

But I can't go back to sleep and the day lies ahead of me. This is my day today... and I'll get through it somehow. I've had much worse. LIke .... two days ago?

The Morning After the Day Before

Yesterday I was too exhausted and numb to process the news we received. I was almost like a robot -- talking things over with Bart as each thing happened, calling Kari and Cindy and my mother (who doesn't touch computers, much less have a blog). I kept ingesting the news and trying to live with it, but since I had already cried my eyes out in frustration during the morning, I had nothing left. I only sob like that about once a year, so I was done with that....

But this morning I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a mac truck emotionally. I have very little strength to face some of these situations. I figure I better give you some hints so that you aren't speculating so much (or calling Cindy or Kari for the scoop ;-)

One is minor and routine and involves Mike. The police were at our house yesterday, Rand was the only one home and apparently they insisted on coming into the house to look for him. We're not sure why except that they left saying that if Rand saw MIke he should tell him that if he was on High School property (the school our kids attend) one more time, that he would be arrested.

Salinda's news is hers. Our other kids don't even know yet so I won't share it here. Most of you will figure it out. She has decisions to make, but will be heavily influenced to choose a road which involves her escaping our home.

And finally John was apparently arrested yesterday. The girlfriend he moved in with apparently is quite a bit younger and her parents are divorced. When her dad discovered that his ex-wife had allowed an adult male to move in with them, apparently he called the police and they took him away. We are reading between the lines. Of course the girlfriend called Salinda and said" He didn't do anything wrong. I don't know why he's being arrested." Apparently court is Monday according to the grapevine, but we don't know if any of this is even true.

So there you have it in no detail. I have a busy day ahead with multiple responsibilities, and i'm not sure how I'll get through it, but you know, I always do...

Black Friday

By noon today I was completely spent. The morning was fraught with tension from Salinda that resulted in her calling Mike for a ride since I said I couldn't take her. I reluctantly and in tears agreed to take her so she wouldn't run off with him -- unlicensed and with some friend he probably met in prison.

After hat I found out three pieces of news I'm not yet ready to blog.

Two of them are really life-altering for two of our kids.

I'm sorry I can't go into more detail yet. I did call Cindy who does this too us all the time ....

THis day will be remembered as black friday from now on

Maybe tomorrow I'll illude to more.

Here we Go Again

Reading Julie's comment yesterday about her daughter and goals, I decided to do a little intervention I asked myself what I did when I was in a slump .... I buy a new journal or planner and new pen and I start some goals. Or, most recently, I download some new software -- but anyway....

I took her to lunch and we talked about the slump she was in and how I she needed to have some success. I mentioned how when I get in a slump I only set a goal to do one thing a day and I get it done. And then I congratulate myself for getting that ONE thing done. After a couple days I try to do two things and then three, and eventually I am back on track.

So after lunch we headed to the office supply place and she half-heartedly chose a small diary. I don't know that she will use it. At one point I told her, "I have an idea -- would you like to hear it, or do you want me to keep my mouth shut." She said, "you can tell me if you want, but I'm probably not going to do it." I complimented her on her self awareness.

For 28 hours she managed to do what she was supposed to do and treat me decently. With that huge amount of equity built up (do you hear the sarcasm dripping) she asked me for a ride which she had been told repeatedly I was not going to provide. I told her the things she would need to do to get me to consider it which she wasn't excited about. I explained to her that I had no reason to say yes to her based on the last week. I left it hanging.

Since then I have been reminded that Bart is going to be out of town tonight and I got three phone calls saying that I would not have PCAs tonight. I am going to have to tell her that it is next to impossible for me to do what I had suggested I might be able to do. More than likely we're heading back down the same path as every time I say no..... I dread it.

Tony made it until 10:00 p.m. last night without being mean to me or disobedient. I congratulated him, but as he pointed out, "Mom, I haven't been HOME."

Everyone else this week has been very cooperative. I spent time helping Leon finish a project for English last until past my bedtime. I mentioned to him that those were the nights when all the things he does for me pay off. I said, "You may not realize it, but I never mind doing something for you -- I'm never resentful even when it is inconvenient. So all those times when you don't think it is fair that the kids with special needs get more attention -- remember nights like this." The nice thing about him is he completely understood it all. Every idea and nuance.

The last two days I have been cranking out the work. It's been amazing how much I've gotten done. I came back from the Y with Kari this morning ready to go again.... hope I don't fade fast. Sometimes that happens but have way too much to for it to happen today. ;-)

Around and Around and Around

I get annoyed by the cycles of life. The routine ones -- laundry gets worn, laundry gets thrown on the floor, laundry gets put in front of the washer, laundry gets washed, laundry gets dried, laundry gets folded, laundry sits around in baskets for too long, laundry gets put away or sometimes not put away and thrown back down the laundry chute clean (but let's not get me started on THAT), laundry gets washed, etc. etc.).

Or dishes get taken out of the cupboard, dishes get put on the table, dishes get food on them, dishes get dirty, dishes get taken to the sink, dishes get rinsed, dishes get put in the dishwasher, dishes get washed, dishes get put away, dishes get put on the table, dishes get food on them, over and over again, day after day, after day, after day.....

Or Tony gets woken up. Tony says something mean to me. Tony can't find clean clothes. Tony yells at me even when the laundry is caught up because his dirty clothes never made it to the laundry. Tony goes to the shower. Tony forgets to take a towel. Tony yells for someone to bring him a towel..... you get the idea.

Or Salinda can't get her way. Salinda gets very mad. Salinda doesn't speak to anyone in the family for a week. Salinda is mean to her mother. Salinda's mother gets more and more anxious. Salinda's mother finally can't take it. Salinda's mother let's her have it. Salinda shapes up until she asks for something else she can't have and can't have her way. Then Salinda gets very mad.

I could give you examples of these things from the life of every kid. Each has their own pattern that they repeat again and again. Some of them are daily, some of them are weekly.

But I suppose I have my own as well. Claudia writes a decent blog entry. Claudia gets nice traffic to her blog. Claudia feels good about that. Claudia then writes drivel. Claudia then starts to whine in her blog. Claudia posts meaningless things. Claudia loses readers. Then out of the blue Claudia writes a decent blog entry. Claudia gets nice traffic to her blog. Claudia feels good about that.......

I think this goes in the meaningless drivel category -- because even though I hate the cycles, I really don't have any answers. I guess life is just like that.

Even at the Fletchers.

Sometimes i Forget

I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up to go to the bathroom and had a brief conversation with Salinda who was nasty and rude and then I couldn't go back to sleep. I woke up too early and had one of my personal mini anxiety attacks that I inherited from my mother and then got up to go to the Y with Kari.

After my workout though i felt much better, so even though i will be tired later today, I feel energized. On the way out of the Y I was explaining that the best moments of my day were at that very moment -- the hour between when I finish working out and when the kids get up. I always feel so good during those times. I need to not forget how good I feel after I exercise so that I'll be motivated to keep doing it.

Salinda's therapist is convinced that she is very attachment disordered that I may get nothing at all from her over the next few years. If this is the case, it is certainly something we never would have guessed when she was younger as she appeared to be very attached to us. When the teenage years hit, she completely lost it. John was the same way ... and people thought it was attachment issues ... but i'm not sure that was it. He hit age 11 and it went downhill for years, but he always acted as though he had some attachment to us. Maybe it was just manipulation. Who knows.

The Adoption Counselor attended a seminar with Russell Barkley (authority on ADHD) and had this to say

Another interesting thing he said was that genetics take over by adolescence, and that parenting doesn’t have any influence on teens and also that that parenting has no impact on adhd related behaviours at any point in life.. . Despite his being very negative about the impact of parenting he had a phrase which I loved. He said *parents are not the engineers, parents are the shephards*. In other words, we aren’t the creators of the children or their behaviours, but we are their guides. And, as he said, shephards get to pick the pastures.


While I hate to admit that he might be right, I am realizing that parenting does have very little influence on teens. The key, as I mention often when I speak to parents, is surviving them -- as controlling or changing them is impossible without their cooperation. Emotionally handling the frustration of children who are NOT going to be changing any time soon but refuse to do what is best for them is very difficult. Watching Salinda, for example, refuse to do her online school work and insist on failing some classes when she is very bright is beyond annoying. I can barely stand to be in the house when she is refusing to comply. Her life is pathetic and she won't do anything about it nor will she let me do anything to help her.

I know that Cindy totally gets what I'm saying -- that horribly trapped feeling you have stuck in a house with someone who is completely refusing to do what they need to do. It sucks the life out of you. At least in my case I can go to the coffee shop and escape.

Today I will make a feeble attempt to connect with her -- and go through the whole thing one more time, giving her a little lecture on how to treat people, seeing if she can grasp it this time but if not, at least making me feel like I've put forth some effort. Maybe in listening to her I'll gain some insight into what might work. But I won't order much. Sometimes she's so mean to me that my stomach is in knots and I can't eat.

Oh the joys....

Sometimes We Could Use Another Parent



Last night was one of those nights where it would have been nice to be two places at one time -- or to have a third parent. Fortunately, we do have PCAs, so that is kind of like having another parent. But really, I would prefer to be multiple people.

It was the Code of Honor at Boy Scouts last night and there was also an away track meet and an away soccer meet. Plus, there were several children not involved in anything. So Bart headed to the Cities with Ricardo (the soccer player) Rand and Wilson, while Dominyk's PCA headed to the Boy Scout picnic early so that I could join them, with Sadie and JImmy, a few minutes late. Tony's PCA stayed here with him and of course, Leon went to his track meet on the bus as he was supposed to do, and Salinda, of course, avoided the rest of us like we we had the swine flu -- though she did do her chore and earn a few dollars working in the yard, which is more than she did for most of last week.

We had an enjoyable evening -- it was beautiful outside and even though we weren't all together, most of us had a good night. This morning is "late start" so the kids are still asleep, giving me a little extra time to get work done before I take everyone to school.

Anyone living within 20 minutes of MSP north suburbs need to hire a male PCA this summer?

Our 22 year old son is a 3rd grade teacher (or was last year -- may not be rehired because of budget cuts). He's looking for a summer job.

Email me privately if you'd like me to put you in touch with him.

The Sun is Shining Outside


and it's a beautiful day to be alive.....

I've been to the YMCA already this morning.... and i'm home already with a half hour before I have to wake anyone up for school. I have a court hearing this morning and then several details to sort out today as well as being back up to 175 emails. I had actually worked my way down to 100 before the busy weekend started.

Lately life has been speeding along at a horribly fast pace. Days rush by and each one has so much to pack into it. Most of the kids are doing quite well, though, and so it's just a matter of getting people where they need to be. We are now in a place with a couple of the kids that have to events at the same time and we have to prioritize.

I'm feeling the residual effects of Tylenol PM that I took last night and I'm groggy...... Not a good way to begin such a busy day.

The girls took this picture on their phone yesterday at the game. Even though Salinda had very little to say, it was nice to have her along.

Death of a Dream

I grew up envisioning and idyllic life, similar to the one in which I was raised. Not in regards to money or fame, but in regards to faith, obedience, intelligence, sameness. I would get married, give birth to a few children, and teach them to grow up to serve Jesus. Children, most likely blonde ones, would look up at me with their blue eyes, waiting for their father to lead them in daily devotions, hanging on his every word. And life would be similar to the hymn we sang in church this morning

Happy the home when God is there,
And love fills every breast;
When one their wish, and one their prayer,
And one their heav’nly rest.

Happy the home where Jesus’ Name
Is sweet to every ear;
Where children early speak His fame,
And parents hold Him dear.

Happy the home where prayer is heard,
And praise each day does rise;
Where parents love the sacred Word
And all its wisdom prize.

Lord, let us in our homes agree
This blessèd peace to gain;
Unite our hearts in love to Thee,
And love to all will reign.




As I was finding the lyrics to this song to be almost gag-worthy this morning, I realized it was because that dream has had to die. It isn't that am bothered so much about where my life has ended up, but it has been a process of letting go of what I had always planned.

Our closing hymn was much more like our lives

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.


In comparing the two, I think I've concluded that while the first hymn describes something many of my friends were able to start with -- when their children were small -- very few people end up there when raising teens. The ones who do are fortunate. But I am content knowing that the things I have gone through have produced character in me that I might not have gained otherwise.

And my years as an adoptive parent of some very challenging kids have resulted in me knowing that my soul, this soul -- though all hell should endeavor to shake -- God has never, will never, no never forsake"

Grateful



It was a good day. Really it was. Better than anticipated with only a few crabby moments.

I have "talked" to all of my 12 children today. John texted me this morning, Mike just called tonight to tell me he loved me. Mentioned something about at tatoo he was going to send me. It was a very short call,. Kyle joined us for a late lunch after Ricardo's game.

All of the kids tried hard to be decent today, even Salinda. And I appreciated their efforts.



And then we got to spend some time with our best friends in Mankato -- Mike and Kari, who I refer to now as "Geeks Bearing Gifts". They invited us over to pie and greeted us in these outfits. This is a shot of them doing some work to keep the price of the house next door going down. They figure if they stand on their porch like this with Anna shrieking in the background it just might do the trick.

So it was a good day. Tomorrow morning we're back to the YMCA and I'm hoping to get back on track...

Mother's Day Prior to Church

I've been up thirty minutes and received a Dunn Brother's gift card from Rand -- very insightful, appropriate, and a complete surprise because he went and got it without direction or assistance. I know he's 20 but with FAS, that's still an accomplishment...

And Wilson gave me the cutest gift in school -- a Time Magazine announcing me as "mother of the year" It has lots and lots of writing that he did and if I have time I'll copy some of it into here later on.

John texted me at 12:02 to be the first to wish me a Happy Mother's Day.

Tony after being reminded by others, muttered Happy Mother's Day and then has been doing his best to make sure it isn't one.

Kyle will be 30 minutes from us today but it's looking like he and his girfriend will be too busy to join us even though they have nothing scheduled -- they must have saved all of their work to do today....

Sadie said, "Happy Mother's Day" very sweetly, but then had to say "Salinda sure is cranky." I mentioned that i could have done fine not having that piece of information yet and that hopefully she would pull herself together before we had to leave so that I could pretend she was enjoying herself while she did her best to fake it. She has agreed to go along with us today, even though I gave her a choice. I'm hoping she can at least be silent if not nice.

I am trying to make this a low key day -- have it be more about soccer than Mother's Day. We'll see how that goes for me.

Finally Sitting Down to Blog

I am finally sitting down and blogging after being gone all day. We were out the door by 8:15 -- drove to Ricky's first soccer game, watched it, had some quick lunch, saw a movie, watched his second game, drove home, stopping to get supper on the way. RIcardo was one of the children who chose to go on this trip (yes, that was said tongue in cheek, and I know he has to go if it's his game). Leon, Sadie and Dominyk also chose to come along and other than a couple of tense moments with Dominyk we had a good day.

Ricardo played goalie, which I don't like -- very stressful -- but he did fairly well. I have tons of pictures, but I don't have the doohicky thing to upload them and it's downstairs and I"m too lazy to go get it. I'll try to do that tomorrow night....

Got home around 7:30 and now we're trying to organize tomorrow. Two church services, two games, two vehicles, 11 people all heading up to watch and have a late dinner for Mother's Day. When we are together, especially to celebrate something, we don't often have a good time, but there's always a first time for everything.

I saw a movie today -- Almost 17 -- that had a plot I like -- the one where someone has a chance to do it over again. And I realized that if I had a choice, I'd do it again. I guess I can't imagine my life without any of these kids..... and certainly not without the man that I love -- the one who has put up with me for nearly 13 years.

And maybe Mother's Day will be a nice one after all..... I guess we can always home anyway.

I just had to take this picture on my phone last night



That's an awful lotta poop for such a little dog.

Happy Frickin Mother's Day

This is one of the things that' I've understood from the beginning. Adoption involves joy, but it also involves pain. I don't think there can be an adoption story that doesn't have, as some part of it, pain for someone. In fact, all members of the adoption triad experience their own kind of pain.

While I've made some mistakes in regards to my expectations about parenting my children -- thinking that they would be grateful, for example, or that Christmas was going to be a fun day, I at least predicted Mother's Day would be a tough one for older kids.

In the past we have had some horrific Mother's Days and I felt sorry for myself. Last year was the best one we have ever had . But as the kids grew older I started to think about what it might be like to be one of my kids and what I would be thinking about as a teenager who had been adopted.... And so I'm writing this from their perspective.

----------------------------------------------

Happy Frickin Mother's Day

I was just a toddler. You had a choice -- me or the guy who knocked you unconscious on a regular basis. You chose him and moved across the country. Happy Frickin' Mother's Day.

I was a new baby. You were too busy with your "night job" to take care of me so you gave me away to a friend. Twenty months later they found me in a cardboard box during a drug raid. I was sick and dirty and had cigarette burns on my face. By the time I got to the orphanage i was so messed up that nobody wanted to adopt me for 9 years after that. Happy Frickin' Mother's Day.

You dropped us off on the side of the road and said "You boys are too horrible. I can't parent you any more" and then you never did what you were supposed to do to get us back. Happy Frickin' Mother's Day.

You had a choice -- drugs or us. You chose drugs. Happy Frickin' Mother's Day.

I thought you were going to adopt me. I called you Mom. I took your last name. I finally convinced myself to trust you. But then you changed your mind and before I knew it I was back in the system. Happy Frickin' Mother's Day.

I know it's Mother's Day. I know I'm supposed to be nice to you because you chose me -- because you have given me a home and because you love me. But today I'm not thinking about you. So not only do I have to feel bad because the mom that gave me life didn't want me, I have to feel bad for ruining your day too.

But why can't I be like everyone else? Why can't I have a Mom who looks like me? Why can't I have a Mom who kept me? Why can't I be with my blood relatives living with people of my own culture? Why do I have to walk around being different every day?

There must be something wrong with me if the person who gave me birth didn't want me.

So as hard as you try to make this a good day, it won't be a good day for me. If I'm really strong I might be able to fake it. Or maybe I can make myself remember all the good things about you. But no matter how much I love you, appreciate you even, today might not be the day to ask me to say something.

Because Mother's Day is supposed to be about her and I'm supposed to be with her. And this day I feel more different than I do on any other day of the year. So don't be unhappy.... just remember I didn't choose this. I don't want to be angry or sad today -- I want to be like my friends. But I'm not.

So Happy Frickin' Mother's Day to Me. I know it's supposed to be about you, but today..... it's about her. And it's about me. And I'm not quite mature enough yet to work all this out. So for another year, just let me be me. The pressure of pretending sometimes gets to be too much. I'll do the best I can but it probably won't be good enough. Please know, that even if I don't say it, I do love you and I'm sorry I can't do better. It's not your fault this stuff happened to me, but it's not my fault either.

Someday when I'm all grown up and have it figured out, maybe then we'll have some good Mother's Days. But someday isn't here yet, so please, Mom, hang in there with me one more time.

-----------------------------------------------

So, as an adoptive mom, I ask God for strength to prepare for Sunday, the day that is supposed to be about me. I'll ask him to remind me to be patient with the children who have not yet been able to deal with the pain and to remember how hard it is for them. And I'll soak up every moment of joy from the ones who are emotionally healthy enough to express their love. Because on the one day when most women are allowed to be selfish, it's my job to be the most selfless of all.

Haven't Stopped Moving Since I Jumped Out of Bed

(started this last night and never finished it so I'll finish it now)

I could go through and tell you everything I have done since I woke up this morning but I don't think that you probably care much. It's just details and errands and emails (Yes, I did make it to under 100 by the end of the day -- spent a full 4 hours on it this morning without stopping) and then some more this afternoon.

I have also had a great deal of emotional management to do because of the queen of drama who seems to create it. If she spent as much time focusing on anything but getting out of this house for the weekend she could be very successful -- like school for example, or possibly getting a JOB, or maybe even helping out around here. But the entire week has been dedicated to one quest -- getting away from me for Mother's Day Weekend.

But you see, I have just a little bit of dignity. And while I will not forbid her from leaving, I dont' feel like providing a ride to she can spend Mother's Day with someone else's mom.

So now I'm being punished with a vengeance. She is defying all the small rules and really being mean to me.

My next post is going to be called "Happy Frickin' Mother's Day." I'll write it from the coffee shop where I will go to hide from her venom....

The Accidental Gentleman


If you are on my facebook you saw this status update

Claudia Flye Fletcher suggests that if you're going to add your mom as a friend on facebook you might not want to do that at 12:42 a.m if your bedtime is at ten even if she is out of town
.

The offender was Ricardo and it turns out it has happened more than once. He was very crafty and has attempted to cover his tracks, but the bottom line is that his mamma is too smart.

So after some exploring and wading through several lies (which is unusual for him). As everyone left the vehicle this morning I asked him to stick around and explained that until his attitude changed and we could have a conversation he was grounded.

He glared at me, but then, out of habit said, "Thank You" and then the look of horror on his face was priceless. He had accidentally and by habit been nice to me. Without saying a word he slammed the door quite hard to make sure I knew the thank you was insincere.

You just have to get through them

Occasionally I whine about my inbox. Since a lot of my work centers around email and online connections I often have quite a bit. Usually I start to get edgy when I have 100 that need attention and this morning I'm starting the day with 204. What is the next step up from edgy?

Often when I am on trips I can make a lot of progress with my email, but the first night I got in late and was more tired than usual and then I didn't sleep well, so the second night I was even more tired. So even though I worked on it, I didn't make as much progress as I had hoped.

Today I must tackle it between two conference calls and a doctor's appointment for Leon.

I wish I could close my eyes and have everything there dealt with. I wish I could will it away. I wish that my lot in life could be different some days. But I just have to get through them.

I think my inbox is a great metaphor for some of the things in my life. I wish I could freeze a couple of my kids like Mel Gibson in Forever Young and just wake them up after they were no longer my legal responsibility. I wish I could will them to change -- to force them to be different.

But just like each email in my inbox, I have to live through each day one at a time. There is very little I can change and I can't skip anything.

A couple of situations (Salinda of course, being one of them) are bothering me and I just want to be in a fairy tale where I can wish them away. I want to fix everything with a blink of an eye. I want magic.

But sometimes you just have to get through them. So fortunately, for me, I have a God big enough to give me the strength to go through these days one at a time.

I'll have enough grace, I'll have enough strength, I'll have what it takes, not only to get through my email, but to get through this day, and the day after that, and the day after than.

So inbox, kids, life --- bring it on!

Calling It a Night Early

I don't think i have the energy to blog about the pleasant and unpleasant interchanges of my evening. I can tell you that I'm overloaded with work and am not feeling up to par after getting so little sleep last night. The kids did very very well while I was gone -- just a couple minor things but overall they were amazing.......

It's nice not to come back to major problems.....

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