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"The world is blowing up. The world is caving in. The world has lost it's way again. But you're still here with me, and it makes

Posted Oct 14 2008 12:00am
Well, here we are again. In the dark place. This time is different, although. This time, I have no idea when I can crawl back out again.

My RE has always said that he was 90% positive we would be pregnant in 3 successful IUI treatments. I had 4 IUI treatments and 6 IUIs total. The RE counted 3 of them successful out of the 4 due to response. We are not pregnant. So I guess once again, I fall on the disadvantaged side of statistics.

Yesterday when I went in for my ultrasound they saw two big cysts. What is weird is that they never said anything to me about them. I didn’t ask, but I saw the giant cysts there and they were very noticeable. Then the nurse lead me back to the exam room where I sat and waited for the consult from the RE. As I was sitting back there, I opened my file folder and read. Apparently, my cysts are 32mm and 22mm. On the scan, they looked like water balloons. (This is ironic because while I was on the table I prayed for cysts if God wants to give me a sign to take a break.)

The RE came in and reviewed my charts. He said that the IUIs were timed perfectly and he was confident in the sperm quality and number. He said he was confident in my levels of progesterone and estrogen and my lining was great. He then looked at me and said the dreaded words, “If you are not pregnant this cycle, we will have a meeting in which we will all sit down and discuss the ‘unknowns’ and talk about what’s next.” It was at that point I burst into tears.

So again I am at a crossroads in my life.

Although it wasn’t said out loud, I consider the next step of treatment to be one of 3 things
1. The RE will decide that this is the right time to have a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and or a HSG (This is what I am going to push for when we go into our meeting. I am pretty sure that I might have endometriosis and I have read this is the only way we can identify endo and also remove it. I am off on break in November and I would like this surgery then.)

2. The RE will decide that we need to move onto injectible meds. (I don’t think that he will go to this because I was responsive to Clomid. I don’t think creating eggs is my problem. He might decide to do this as a second option.)

3. The RE will decide that we need to move onto some form of IVF. (This scares the crap out of me.) Now let me tell you why I am scared to death of IVF. I am scared to death of IVF because it is not covered by our insurance. In my state, there is no assistance for IVF cost. IVF is very very expensive and right now, there is no way DH and I can afford it. From what I have read on other people’s blogs, IVF costs around $8,000-$15,000. DH and I don’t have that kind of money lying around nor can we come up with it quickly. We could take out a loan, but we are already at our max for loans because we have 2 home loans, 2 car loans, and 2 college loans we are currently paying on plus 1 big credit card loan. The only way we can pay for IVF is if I get a second job, DH gets a second job, we cut back in every way possible, we possibly sell our cars and get cheaper ones, or we beg family members for money.

Now here’s the kicker: DH’s insurance is changing at the beginning of the year. At the end of October he has to go to a seminar in which they introduce our new coverage package. This could either be a blessing or a curse. If his employer decides to pick up infertility coverage including IVF coverage it would be a major blessing. If his employer stays with the package we currently have, then we would not have coverage for injectibles or IVF. If they reduce the coverage then we’re really screwed. I am praying, praying, praying for his employer to add IVF and injectibles to our plan in January 09 or at an “a la carte” option for our coverage.

I have been told twice in the last 24 hours by two different people that “I can always adopt” and “we’re young” and “it’s not the end of the world.” The next person that tells me this is going to get punched.

Do you know the saying, “When it rains, it pours?” At my work I have been asked to take another position. Right now, I am working with students with LD in a resource type class in which I am teaching only language arts skills. I have been asked to move into a position in which I would be working in a lifeskills room with students with Mimh, Downs, severe Autism, and MoMh. This is something that I have had an interest in before, but no experience. These kids have severe impairments and are not working on grade level. Some of them have tantrums and some of them cannot communicate. I’ve never been in a position like that before and I am not sure if this is the time to be jumping into such a thing blindfolded. It’s a major undertaking because these kids have high needs and deserve a high quality teacher to meet them.

I feel that God has put this in my lap and has given me the sign to accept it. I feel that God has told me to wait on having a baby because other kids need me right now and my focus needs to be on them. God is saying, “Wait. You will have a baby later. Right now I need you here.” That really sucks because I don’t want to listen to God. I am yelling back at Him, “No!!!! I want to have a baby NOW!!! I am sick of putting other people’s kids first!!!” because seriously, if I keep putting other people’s kids first, I might NEVER have my OWN. I keep thinking, if I put in my time and do what God wants me to do, then He will grant me a baby after I have fulfilled my quota. It really sucks because it’s not what I want and I don’t think He cares what my plan for myself is. So my decision is, for now, to take the position that is opening and learn as I go to work with those kids.

As for the RE and the IF, I will have to also take that as it comes. Our consult is next week and DH and I will go in and sketch out a new plan with the RE. Hopefully we will come out feeling comfortable with whatever the decision is.

Sorry this was a novel. If you stayed to the end you are awesome.
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