Thats how I feel today. Today at least I have some emotion.....sadness...extreme sadness. I woke up this morning just sad. I feel like I could cry. And now that I'm sitting at my desk at work typing this-the tears are starting to fall...
I got to work and I checked my email and facebook and the first thing I see are the baby pictures I've been trying to avoid for a few days. I honestly feel like I've been robbed. I will NEVER HAVE THAT MOMENT! I will never ever have the moment of a grueling painful awful labor, to give that final push and have my baby set on my stomach.... I will never have the moment of feeling the baby for the first time in my stomach. WHY!?!?! What did I do to deserve this! I just don't understand. I feel like I'm being punished. I know I shouldn't feel like this-but honestly-I do. I know God has his plans I just need to wait and find out what those plans are, but I really just dont' understand why we have to go through all of this pain and heartache, sadness, frustration, anger, bitterness, and hurt to have a baby. When there are women out there who don't want a baby and get pregnant without any trouble. I just don't understand.
I hurt so badly-and I don't like to hurt. I want to crawl in a little ball and just cry. I know I can't-but I want to so badly.
Parts of this honestly come from the lack of support we have felt from some people around us. MOST HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL!! Others it seems almost go to that extra mile to talk about there pregnancy in front of me or directly to me. They talk about all of the annoying pulls and uncomfortableness that comes along with it. I just want to shake them and say-WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!?!?!? Don't you think That I would give anything to feel that uncomfortableness and have those "annoying" kicks in the middle of the night keeping me awake-and being able to take Mike's hand and put it on my stomach and say-"hun-that's your baby." I Won't ever be able to do that! And you are telling me that you are uncomfortable! People just don't get it! It hurts alot to have people that you think/thought are your friends to be that insensitive about your feelings. These are the people that you rely on for strength-and they are the ones that are being the most hurtful. And these are the people that I'm being forced to separate myself from because it causes me more pain to be with them-then to not.
I wish I could just explain to people-that I hurt-and its not something that I'm just going to get over-over night. Its going to be a long time before I can do what you call...."Just adopting." So bare with me if my emotions don't quite fall into happiness and jumping for joy all the time over the pregnancy that you seem to be throwing in my face....or on a completely different note...sympathy for the thought that you "may one day of trouble trying to conceive." Because although I hope and pray that you never have to go through the TTTC phase...don't tell me you know how I feel because you may one day experience TTTC-which is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT then NEVER BEING ABLE TO CONCEIVE!