I find myself seeing three different directions we can go from here. I am not sure what way to go.
Door #1: We sit. We wait. We grieve. Who knows how long this will take? We avoid all family functions. We avoid babies and baby showers. We avoid all pregnant people. We sit and pray and wait for a sign. We hermit ourselves away in order to save us from the pain of going outside to the real world. Possibly, if we feel up to it, have sex once in awhile in the vain attempt to possibly get pregnant the old fashioned way. (
HA!) If we're feeling up to laughing possibly I might even break out the basal thermometer so it can measure our desperation.
Door #2: We move on. We go talk to some adoption agencies. I have two already in mind. We sit down and discuss options. We see what they have to say, knowing that nothing is fixable overnight and a new child will not replace the pain we are feeling and the loss we have endured. Knowing that we very well may be in for another long wait until something else happens. We could go the domestic route or the international route, depending on what sounds right for us after gaining all the necessary information. We squirrel away some money or beg, borrow, and plead for financial assistance. Possibly rob some old ladies to help pay for the costs.
Door #3: We move on. We go talk to some reproductive endocrinologists. We meet with either Dr. D or get on the waiting list for Dr. J. We discuss with DH's HR Dept. if we can even get back onto our old insurance. We see if we can afford to do another IVF or even if it seems like it is likely to work this time. Weigh the pros and cons. See what the experts say. Go into more testing, ultrasounds, blood work, possibly a laparoscopy this time. Possibly do another IUI and injectible meds for old times sake. Dust off the old speculum. Make plans and talk about calendars. Possibly also rob some old ladies.
And then there's Door #4 which I do not want to open in any way, shape, or form. You know what that door is if you have been in my shoes. I don't want to talk about that door. For now, we're staying away from that door. That door hurts too much to open and I'm not ready to make that decision yet.
I'm spinning in circles. I wish I had some sort of answer. I felt so sure that what we were doing was following "God's plan" for us. Turns out we forgot to take into account free will. Now I'm crying up to God and asking "
WHAT NOW?!" I did everything I thought he was asking me to, and it all blew up in my face.
WHAT NOW?! This Christmas we were supposed to be celebrating as a family, together. We are empty and crushed and crying here God so
WHAT NOW?! We are broken down and ground up and cracked open to be exposed.
Tomorrow I will call my HR department and try to figure out how to start back at work. I don't know whether or not I want to start now, or go back after break. It just depends what HR says. I have no desire to go back to deal with issues I don't care about and explain things to people I don't want to explain to.
I emailed our social worker that did our homestudy. We loved working with her and found her very fair and down to earth. She works for an adoption agency that does both domestic and international adoptions. I emailed her what happened and asked her for her support in helping us find a way out.
If you're praying for us, and I know some of you are, I ask you to help us pray for guidance for God to lead us to Door 1, 2, or 3 depending on His will for us. Or, if He has something better in mind, I'm all ears to that too.
Door #1: We sit. We wait. We grieve. Who knows how long this will take? We avoid all family functions. We avoid babies and baby showers. We avoid all pregnant people. We sit and pray and wait for a sign. We hermit ourselves away in order to save us from the pain of going outside to the real world. Possibly, if we feel up to it, have sex once in awhile in the vain attempt to possibly get pregnant the old fashioned way. (HA!) If we're feeling up to laughing possibly I might even break out the basal thermometer so it can measure our desperation.
Door #2: We move on. We go talk to some adoption agencies. I have two already in mind. We sit down and discuss options. We see what they have to say, knowing that nothing is fixable overnight and a new child will not replace the pain we are feeling and the loss we have endured. Knowing that we very well may be in for another long wait until something else happens. We could go the domestic route or the international route, depending on what sounds right for us after gaining all the necessary information. We squirrel away some money or beg, borrow, and plead for financial assistance. Possibly rob some old ladies to help pay for the costs.
Door #3: We move on. We go talk to some reproductive endocrinologists. We meet with either Dr. D or get on the waiting list for Dr. J. We discuss with DH's HR Dept. if we can even get back onto our old insurance. We see if we can afford to do another IVF or even if it seems like it is likely to work this time. Weigh the pros and cons. See what the experts say. Go into more testing, ultrasounds, blood work, possibly a laparoscopy this time. Possibly do another IUI and injectible meds for old times sake. Dust off the old speculum. Make plans and talk about calendars. Possibly also rob some old ladies.
And then there's Door #4 which I do not want to open in any way, shape, or form. You know what that door is if you have been in my shoes. I don't want to talk about that door. For now, we're staying away from that door. That door hurts too much to open and I'm not ready to make that decision yet.
I'm spinning in circles. I wish I had some sort of answer. I felt so sure that what we were doing was following "God's plan" for us. Turns out we forgot to take into account free will. Now I'm crying up to God and asking "WHAT NOW?!" I did everything I thought he was asking me to, and it all blew up in my face. WHAT NOW?! This Christmas we were supposed to be celebrating as a family, together. We are empty and crushed and crying here God so WHAT NOW?! We are broken down and ground up and cracked open to be exposed.
Tomorrow I will call my HR department and try to figure out how to start back at work. I don't know whether or not I want to start now, or go back after break. It just depends what HR says. I have no desire to go back to deal with issues I don't care about and explain things to people I don't want to explain to.
I emailed our social worker that did our homestudy. We loved working with her and found her very fair and down to earth. She works for an adoption agency that does both domestic and international adoptions. I emailed her what happened and asked her for her support in helping us find a way out.
If you're praying for us, and I know some of you are, I ask you to help us pray for guidance for God to lead us to Door 1, 2, or 3 depending on His will for us. Or, if He has something better in mind, I'm all ears to that too.