It doesn't sound as good as sleeping on the couch all day. It sounds kind of sucky, if you ask me.
Due to prompting from my mom
("You're going to lose your job!!!) I called the HR department today and told them that I would be back to school on Wednesday of this week. It sounded like a good day....Wednesday. I mean, it's hump day, so it isn't too long until the weekend where I can crawl back into my nice warm bed, take some Ativan, and pretend everything disappears.
My mom is starting to freak out, by the way. She called me from work today during her lunch break and asked how I was doing. This is the same thing she has asked over the last few days and I've said the same thing each time, "
I'm sleeping." Then she asked me if I needed to "
talk to somebody" because I "
wasn't getting any better." I'm not really sure how I'm SUPPOSED to feel, given that today I figured I would have a one week old son sitting here with me and my conversations would be about lack of sleep and new motherhood. That's all been ripped away.
But I figured that since money doesn't grow on trees and babies don't grow in uterus's around here that babies grow on stacks of money - that I should follow in my husband's footsteps on going back to work this week. He came home from lunch today (right as I was waking up) and told me that nobody talked to him about "it" and they pretty much ignored "it" altogether so it wasn't so bad, just weird.
So, back to work on Wednesday where I am sure to encounter many hugs and "I'm sorrys" from well meaning people who make me feel all awkward and "special" and I can always remember I have my car to run to during lunch break if I need to drive away to McDonald's and cry for 30 minutes.
I have read your comments repeatedly, and I appreciate them. A couple of comments about your comments
- JamieD asked if I could possible take Door #2 and Door #3. This sounds like something we discussed before Juno showed up. I guess the only problem with this is the ethical one - that we could possibly be lying to one to save the other. Mothering4Money suggested the same. I am thinking about logicistially and financially and EMOTIONALLY (gah!) what that would entail. I would have to get DH to get us back on our old insurance that had minimal IF coverage post-haste. I think I will call Dr. J today and at least get on his waiting list. If 8 months rolls around and nothing more is solved, at least I could go and talk to the guy and see what he had to say. Alicia seems to like him a lot, and so do many other bloggers that I've talked to and read.
- Mothering4Money also brought up a good comment in her discussion on my last post. She said that Juno HAD left warning signs about being indecisive in her decision making. She did, now that I think about it. She did give us a lot of signs, but we were too scared to see them and we were too scared to acknowledge them:
- Warning sign #1: She wouldn't return my phone calls in a timely manner, or at all sometimes.
- Warning sign #2: Sometimes she would only text me instead of calling me or she would tell me her phone was broken or that she didn't get the message.
- Warning sign #3: She told us we could come to any doctor's appointments with her that we'd like to - but as time progressed she stopped giving us doctor's info and dates of her next appointments.
- Warning sign #4: The birthfather met with the attorney to sign his share of the relinquisment paperwork and Juno told him that he spelled his legal name wrong "e" instead of "o" out of place. Because of this, the birthfather wasn't able to sign and told our attorney that he would meet him at a later date. That date came and went, no papers were signed. I started to panic but I didn't want to talk about it. The birthfather told Juno that he would sign with her at the hospital and that he was still 100% on board with the adoption.
- Warning sign #5: At the hospital she told us we could be in the delivery room then told us that only 2 people could be in there and she chose the birthfather and her mom. During delivery - I noticed that Juno's father was also back there.
- Warning sign #6: We had to wait and hour before coming back to see him. He was in Juno's delivery room with the family. By the time we got back there Juno had already given him a bottle. It was ackward, but I didn't think it would be anything less. We had to wait to be handed the baby - like they didn't want us to hold him.
- Warning sign #7: While waiting in the lobby during the labor process nobody came out and informed us on what was going on. We had to be proactive at getting bits and pieces of information. Juno told us she would call or text but she never did. I had to call and text her first and then hope for a return message.
- Warning sign #8: They kept calling him HE instead of Liam.
- Warning sign #9: There was family in and out of Juno's room. Her father visited. Her mother visited. Her sister visited. Her cousin visited. The birthfather's mom visited. The birthfather's sister visited. After Liam was born - they all visited him too.
- Warning sign #10: Everyone stopped giving us eye contact after the birth.
- Warning sign #11: She kept him in her room overnight.
- Warning sign #12: They didn't write Liam's name on his info card. They left it blank.
Anyways, those are just the ones off the top of my head. At the time, all of those warning signs scared me but I wanted to push them out of my mind because I didn't want to believe anything bad was going to happen. I wanted to have a happy ending, like so many other people I had read about. Everything that Juno had told us was exactly what we wanted to hear. We had no reason to doubt her or think anything about any "ackwardness" we felt because it was our first adoption and her's too. We were going to make our own rules as we went.
We'll you can see how well that worked out for us.
It was a shitty shitty thing that happened to us. BUT I would like to acknowledge that in that time between July and November there were many happy times also. Although I was scared and worried about things in general with the adoption, I was very happy to become an adoptive mom. I felt that things could not get better for us. I felt that this is what I was meant to do. Not just be a mom, which is what I already knew I was meant for, but be an ADOPTIVE mom, which is something else entirely special too. During those short months I was able to plan our future and smile and be happy and confident. That is something that never happened when I was doing fertility treatments or waiting for beta tests.
So I guess, although it was shitty, it was a shitty shitty learning experience. We can move forward, when we're ready. I'd like to become an adoptive mother to a baby that needs us as much as we need it. Our hearts are ready and we are prepared. I don't necessarilly want it to be another "open" adoption just because of how hurt we still are about our relationship with Juno - but we'll see what happens.
I plan on making 3 phone calls today. 1 to my work telling them I am coming back on Wednesday. 1 to our adoption agency telling them we'd like to meet for a consultation. And 1 to Dr. J to get on his 8 month waiting list.
One foot in front of the other.
Due to prompting from my mom ("You're going to lose your job!!!) I called the HR department today and told them that I would be back to school on Wednesday of this week. It sounded like a good day....Wednesday. I mean, it's hump day, so it isn't too long until the weekend where I can crawl back into my nice warm bed, take some Ativan, and pretend everything disappears.
My mom is starting to freak out, by the way. She called me from work today during her lunch break and asked how I was doing. This is the same thing she has asked over the last few days and I've said the same thing each time, "I'm sleeping." Then she asked me if I needed to "talk to somebody" because I "wasn't getting any better." I'm not really sure how I'm SUPPOSED to feel, given that today I figured I would have a one week old son sitting here with me and my conversations would be about lack of sleep and new motherhood. That's all been ripped away.
But I figured that since money doesn't grow on trees and babies don't grow in uterus's around here that babies grow on stacks of money - that I should follow in my husband's footsteps on going back to work this week. He came home from lunch today (right as I was waking up) and told me that nobody talked to him about "it" and they pretty much ignored "it" altogether so it wasn't so bad, just weird.
So, back to work on Wednesday where I am sure to encounter many hugs and "I'm sorrys" from well meaning people who make me feel all awkward and "special" and I can always remember I have my car to run to during lunch break if I need to drive away to McDonald's and cry for 30 minutes.
I have read your comments repeatedly, and I appreciate them. A couple of comments about your comments
Anyways, those are just the ones off the top of my head. At the time, all of those warning signs scared me but I wanted to push them out of my mind because I didn't want to believe anything bad was going to happen. I wanted to have a happy ending, like so many other people I had read about. Everything that Juno had told us was exactly what we wanted to hear. We had no reason to doubt her or think anything about any "ackwardness" we felt because it was our first adoption and her's too. We were going to make our own rules as we went.
We'll you can see how well that worked out for us.
It was a shitty shitty thing that happened to us. BUT I would like to acknowledge that in that time between July and November there were many happy times also. Although I was scared and worried about things in general with the adoption, I was very happy to become an adoptive mom. I felt that things could not get better for us. I felt that this is what I was meant to do. Not just be a mom, which is what I already knew I was meant for, but be an ADOPTIVE mom, which is something else entirely special too. During those short months I was able to plan our future and smile and be happy and confident. That is something that never happened when I was doing fertility treatments or waiting for beta tests.
So I guess, although it was shitty, it was a shitty shitty learning experience. We can move forward, when we're ready. I'd like to become an adoptive mother to a baby that needs us as much as we need it. Our hearts are ready and we are prepared. I don't necessarilly want it to be another "open" adoption just because of how hurt we still are about our relationship with Juno - but we'll see what happens.
I plan on making 3 phone calls today. 1 to my work telling them I am coming back on Wednesday. 1 to our adoption agency telling them we'd like to meet for a consultation. And 1 to Dr. J to get on his 8 month waiting list.
One foot in front of the other.