Today was my post-op follow up with Dr. J, The Great and Powerful to go over laparoscopy results. The meeting was quick and painless. I didn't have to drop my pants and most importantly it was fweeeeeeeee!*

*The bill for the lap was $13,000 before insurance. I'm sure it was included in there somewhere between the overcharge for the non-slip socks and the coupon for my mom's starbucks

Anyways, Dr. J confirmed what I already knew which is I haz endo. Not a lot of endo. Just a bit of endo. Enough endo to be a b*tch, which is what's important.

Oh yes, and he also said I had small growth nubbin' that connected one side of my fallopian tube to the other which he zapped with his laser. He also said that he thinks he flushed a mucus plug out of my fallopian tube in the process. WIN!

So he asked me what I wanted to do next.

*crickets*

I told him that we were in the process of adoption and that I just wanted to try naturally for awhile. Or not try. Or just have some fun. Whatever.

*crickets*

Dr. J told me that as a "veteran to this process" I could "choose what I want to do" but he thinks I should do more, based on my history and "all that I've been through."

And I was all proud for a moment because HE called ME a veteran and feeling all smug until I realized that being a veteran to infertility was not an award that people were killing themselves to receive. That wiped the grin right off of my stupid face. Duh.

So I tell Dr. J that I might be okay with a tad bit of something, as long as it didn't involve needles because, hey, let's not get crazy here.

So Dr. J recommends that I take letr*zol for CD 1-5 on my next cycle. Then he looked at me to gauge my reaction and slipped in the old, "and then a wee bit of FSH on CD 3, 4, 5."

And I'm all like, "What the f*ck are you smokin?!"

Dr. J tells me that he thinks that we should try one cycle of the FSH + Letrozol and see what happens. He said due to my questionable ovulation he thinks that this will do the trick. If it doesn't do the trick in one cycle then we would come back to the table and discuss something else.

I discussed with Dr. J how a snowflake forms into an avalanche. Suuuuuure, it's FSH ONLY a "wee" bit on CD 3, 4, 5 now and the next thing I know I'm loading up syringes full of Lupr*n balanced on my knees in the bathroom stall at a bar.

I mean I'm ADOPTING! HELLO!? WTF?!

And then I tell Dr. J to just slip me the Rx for the medications. That I would "think it over" and get back to him on it. He asked if I had any FSH currently and I told him no and he said to take the Rx for the letroz*l and then he would find me some FSH (which is RE code for he would score some for free) and he told me to call his office and let them know when I wanted to try it.


So now the million dollar question is.........do I???

Do I want to try this? Do I want to be on fertility meds during adoption? Do I want to be pregnant during adoption?

I don't know the answer yet. The one thing I DO know is that we want a family either through adoption or through biology or both. Right now I have zero kids in my house. The FSH cycle does not guarantee me a kid. Even the adoption referral does not guarantee me a kid. I could be in stone cold December clutching my cat and wondering why the hell we STILL have no kids.

And I know that we're in love with Story. We don't know all of Story's story yet, but we love her just the same. We'd do anything to bring her home. We won't give up on her. We are 1000000000% invested in her.

And I don't want to give up on TTC either. Not really. I'm turning 30 in two months. I don't have much longer to try. There might be a baby somewhere in the universe that is meant to be ours through conception. I don't know for sure.

I have the Rx. I have a doctor that hasn't given up. I think we found the final underlying problem as to why we haven't gotten pregnant.

The question is, what do I want?