I don't know how she likes to be held. I don't know how she prefers to sleep or how long she sleeps or if she prefers naps. I don't know what formula she likes or what type or from what brand of bottle. I don't know if she likes pacis. I don't know if one type of lotion or diaper breaks her out. I don't know if she is too hot or too cold. I don't know what size of clothes she wears. I don't know what vaccines she has had. I don't know how much she weighs or when her birthday is. I don't know the names of her parents or why her first mother gave her away. I don't know where her foster home is or what her foster family is like. I don't know if she can sit up or crawl. I don't know for sure when she's coming home. I don't know what the travel dates are or what her flight number is. I don't know who will be escorting her home. I am not specifically certain on what day she will come home.
It is overwhelming the things I do not know. As her parent, it is overwhelming the information that I don't have access to or how to answer questions from others I don't know the answer to. It's overwhelming the frustration I have towards myself in that I don't know these things that I should know as her mother.
Other mothers know these things. They know if their child is too hot or too cold. They know if they are sad or hurt. They know what foods their children prefer. They know their child's medical information. They know who is watching their children when they are not around. They know how their child likes to sleep or what foods they enjoy. They know their child's developmental milestones and they know what it's like to hold their child moments after their birth.
I should know these things as her mother and I don't and it makes me overwhelmingly sad.