Don't know why in particluar. I mean-nothing new has come up. We are still in limbo with our Birth Mother....we have no idea where she stands-and I think I'm just letting the possibility that could have been a mom in just a few months go. But I have been for a few weeks now-at least I think I have been.
Infertility is truly a rollercoaster of emotions. There are days when I feel on top of the world-and I don't let infertility bother me. I stay positivie and I try and keep the thought in my head that I will be a mom, someday I will be. Then there are days like today when I just feel upset and bothered and angry at times that 2 people who want children more than anything can't have them. It just doesn't seem fair to me. I know God has his plan-but it is still frustrating to not understand it.
Mike has been down the past few days. I know he is feeling the sadness, anxiety, and stress of the fact that we were so close to being parents-at least we felt we were close by everything we were hearing, and everything she was telling our friend...that we really thought this might be it. I think the reality has kind of set it-that it might not work out.
I feel more bad for him I think than anything-because I know he feels responsible for how I feel and my sadness at times-when he shouldn't because its not his fault. It's just a matter of time before I have a lap to remove my endo. So even if he was fine-I'm still not-and I think we would still be trying to conceive...
Another aspect of my sadness comes from the fact that people tell us....just adopt then you will for sure get pregnant. I think over the weekend I heard that about 5 times. What don't people understand?!?! WE CAN'T GET PREGNANT!!! There is no way-besides a true miracle from God that we will ever get pregnant.
I'm also tired of hearing the well I know how you feel...we struggled for 3 months to get pregnant, or I know how you feel because we might have trouble getting pregnant one day, or the ever famous-pregnancy really isn't all that great...your not missing out on much. Really....I think having a baby is pretty great....you of all people should know-you already have a beautiful child in front of you.
I know unless you are truly struggling with Infertility you really don't know what it is like. To be told that you will never have a biological child of your own-is not something you ever want to hear. I want nothing more then to look at someone who says-I totally know how you feel and say..."Really?! When were you diagnosed? When did you get that awful gut wrenching news? How many times have you and your husband cried yourselves to sleep over it? How many times have you held your husband as he's cried in your arms because he feels responsible? How many times have you gone to the dr. with your husband just to have him humiliated by having to give a Semen analysis?" That might seem so harsh-but it's days like today when I really honeslty would love to shake those people who say things like that.
I know its days like today when I just need to sit back and pray for strength, wisdom, understanding not only for myself but for all of those who are ignorant" for lack of a better word when it comes to talking with people dealing with IF. I would rather have someone look me in the eyes and tell me they don't know what to say to say those words. Ugh.....
I just need a good cry....and maybe a good hug from my husband.....and a little extra strength from above today.