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Controlled and Focused Anger

Posted Nov 18 2008 12:00am
Dear Anon,

Hi. My name is B and I am an angry infertile. I made this blog to write and focus my anger and share with others who are also angry. Maybe, perhaps, I also write to clue in people who have not experienced infertility for themselves so they can better understand this disease.

When I was first trying to concieve, I approached things with excitement and high expectations. I didn't think anything different than anyone else. I went off birth control and my husband and I had sex like giddy teenagers saying things like, "I bet that one did it," afterwords because we just knew I'd be pregnant if we tried a little bit. But, unfortunately, the months ticked by and nothing happened.

The one time I actually did have a positive pregnancy test, we were so happy. For a few days, we shopped in the baby section of the store. We bought a teddy bear. We talked about plans. But a few days later, my period started, and we lost the pregnancy as quickly as it came.

And we tried over and over and over again. We watched other people get pregnant. We watched other people have babies. We went to doctors and felt violated and scared. We were told good news and we were also told bad. Over and over again, a sucker punch to the stomach.

And then I got online, and I read the stories of others out there. I read blogs from people who had been through the same things I had. I met people who had been through worse situations like D&C, multiple miscarriages, surgeries, etc. Just when I thought I knew everything, I'd read about someone else's situation and learn something new I didn't know. And their stories were heart wrenching, and I cried with them many times.

Once you find out you are infertile, after the greif, then comes the anger. You get angry with God or people or yourself or whoever you focus it on. You say things like, "Why the fuck did this have to happen to me?! Everyone else is OK, why am I the one that's screwed up?! How come everyone can get pregnant so easily and I can't?! This isn't fair." And sure, life isn't fair. Instead of imploding, although, we explode and outwardly reflect our anger in other areas instead of holding it in. For example, if we hear a shitty comment like, "Stop trying so hard, then you will get pregnant." the infertile person might not say anything for the moment, but will hold it in and then bitch about it in the company of other infertiles because it truly did hurt their feelings. The other infertiles are their support system and they swap stories. It makes you feel less alone and it's sort of like a sisterhood that nobody wants to be a member of but somehow you end up being one.

Now, since it's been 20 months of TTC for me, I've sort of controlled my own anger. I think the longer you go, you learn new ways to cope. Before, when I saw a pregnant lady or a lady with small children it would make me very sad and upset and angry. And the anger wasn't really at the lady, it was at myself because I couldn't be her, and it was at God for keeping me from it. So it was much easier for me to say, "Fuck her" than "Fuck Me." You could feel better saying, "Fuck her and her fertileness." even though you were really saying, "Fuck me because I can't fucking be her." When you hear about people beating their kids, abandoning their kids, being on welfare and popping out kids, etc. etc. then you get really pissed off. You say, "Goddamnit it's not fucking fair!!! How many times do I have to get injected/inseminated/medicated/etc. before things start fucking getting fair around here?!"

I think I'm starting to realize and focus my own anger better, but I've had time to practice. It took a loooooooooooong time and listening to alot of shitty comments and watching some pregnancies around me to get to this point. Sure, there are days where I feel like kicking someone's ass, but mostly I can focus that into doing something more positive (like researching online, or talking to my husband, or trying something new). But there are a lot of other infertiles out there that still feel shitty, or are just coming to terms, or don't know how to cope. And for them, we listen, we lend a shoulder, and we cry with them. We let each other explode instead of implode. For something that we have such little control over, it's the best we can do to feel a bit more in control for the time being.

So Anon, when you commented..........

"Wow! That is really hateful what "anonymous" wrote! "Stick it to the fertiles." Is it my fault that she is infertile. Did fertile women do anything to her? We all have our own struggles in life. I feel her pain, but geez! Anyways, I hope the best for "The Angry Infertile." I enjoy reading your blog!"

I felt the need to share some background. No, it's not your fault that someone else is inferile. No, fertile women didn't do anything to her, per say. But you need to understand that for someone with IF, a "fertile" is a word that repesents something we so desperately want but feel is impossible. A "fertile" represents so much more than just someone who gets pregnant naturally or easily.

So anyways, I hope that leans some insight. Don't know if you are a "fertile" or an "infertile" and I am definately not the infertile spokesperson. I just felt the need to comment (and it's my blog so I can post if I want to). Thanks for reading, nevertheless. I'm glad you enjoy my writing and I hope you stick around to enjoy the ride.
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