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Ode to the Anonymous Pharmacy Clerk

Posted Feb 20 2009 7:09pm

Gradually, my my lack of confidence in the pharmaceutical industry has extended from the less-than-forthright “experts” , to the franchises like Walgreen’s , and now, to the foot-soldiers behind the counters.  Most of them are just good folks trying to make an honest buck; when I myself was a corporate foot-soldier at Six Flags Amusement Parks, my goal was to get through the day using as little effort as possible. I wanted it to be mindless and I hated it when fatasses bitched because their ice cream cones had too few or too many sprinkles.  So in a way I can understand the frustration, when you’re expecting to have a mindless day and get paid for it, and then some unconventional jerk has to come along with a customized dilemma that makes it unpredictable.  Unfortunately though there’s a difference between fussy Food Court nitpickers, and medical patients with legit concerns about their medications. Maybe, when it comes to sprinkles and ketchup packets, the customers should occasionally take one for the team.  But with regard to the legal production and sales of Class II narcotics , it feels more like the team is taking one for “The Man” & corporate America. Somehow the industry even turned our foot-soldiers against us, as the behind-the-counter pharmacists-in-training have grown impatient towards the clientele, much like my disdain for the sprinkle-demanders.

A recent by the boldly-named “Anonymous” demonstrates their dismissive mentality.

In response to my post , Anonymous writes:

“You’re all fucking idiots, if I you came to the pharmacy counter bitching about this I’d tell you to get lost before I call the cops.”

Good idea.  I’m sure they’d love to hear from you, especially if your town is as dull as your ignorance suggests.

Dispatcher: “East Backwater P.D. What is your location?”
Anonymous Minion: “Uh… wuh… I’m at the Walgreen’s on Hillbilly Road.”
Dispatcher: “Okay. And what’s your emergency?”
Anonymous Minion: “Um, I have a grad student here, and…”
Dispatcher: “… are you being robbed?!”
Anonymous Minion: “No, but…”
Dispatcher: “Do you feel threatened?”
Anon. Minion: “No, well, sort of… he’s… asking me questions.”
Dispatcher: (pause) “Pardon?”
Dispatcher: (pause) “As in, sexually inappropriate/creepy stalker questions?”
Anon. Minion: “Well no, just… questions about his medication that I find annoying.  Can you arrest him?”
Dispatcher: “You’ll have to be more specific.  What is the emergency?”
Anon. Minion: “He’s claiming based on his experiences with two different brands that one’s different than the other. I personally disagree. This customer’s questions are too hard, and I get very scared when people aren’t satisfied with the generic responses I’ve been ordered to memorize. eel insecure  Can you please send someone immediately?”
Dispatcher:“Alright… well, right now our lone ranger Officer Billy Bob’s gone to rescue a cat from a tree. But if you stay on the line I’ll try to talk you through this.”
Anon. Minion:“Okay, good. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.”
Dispatcher:“Now, do you see that name tag on your Walgreen’s uniform?”
Anon. Minion:“The one that says ‘Happy to Answer Your Questions.’”
Dispatcher: “Yes, that one. I need you to take it off.”
Anon. Minion:“Okay, it’s off. Now what?”
Dispatcher: “Now, look around for the dumbest-looking person in the store that you can find.”
Anon. Minion: “I see a toddler. I bet he’s pretty dumb, prolly.”
Dispatcher:“Excellent, give your pharmacy badge to the two-year-old!”
Anon. Minion: “Why?”
Dispatcher:“Because he’s more qualified to wear it than you are!”

Usually people who leave thoughtless, nonconstructive comments are just “trolls” who pop in to stir things up and never bother to come back and follow-up on their shit-talk.  But I really hope this troll comes back and reads this, even if he or she concludes (as I myself have) that I am lame for devoting several paragraphs to a single sentence of prattle.

It’s true; this post was basically pointless. A colossal waste of time.  Instead of being productive this morning, I’ve scripted a dialog between a stranger I’ll never meet and a dispatcher who doesn’t exist.

But in a bizarre way it does prove my point.

I have A.D.D., remember, and tend to get sidetracked easily. And while they have medicines for that, unfortunately the pink Adderall sold to me by corporations like the one this simpleton probably works for, does not work. The CorePharma higher-ups know it already. Some of the psychiatrists who prescribe these drugs must undoubtedly have their suspicions.  Consumer “feedback” is a bitch, but a quite powerful one. And when the shit hits the fan for this industry,as it no-doubt soon will, even the anonymous shit-for-brain clerks at the bottom of the pharmaceutical totum pole will have to start doing their jobs again.

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