Yesterday was the second worst day of my life! First of all, Diana's mom's house caught on fire, with Abby and Hayden inside, which you can read about at my other blog, Slow Down, Gym Shoe, if you want to, because I don't want to rewrite the same exact thing twice! So everyone has been really upset about that. And yesterday for some reason I was just having a really high-anxiety day in the first place, I just had a horribly nervous and sick feeling all day long. Then night came, and Diana and Jimmy wanted to go out to see the band Infinity which was playing at a nearby bar. I didn't even want to go in the first place, because I was feeling so anxious and upset, and I just had a horrible feeling. But they kept telling me to just go with, and I also didn't want to be left out, so in the end I decided to go with. Every time we go to see Infinity Diana likes to go right up in front, in the front row closest to the stage. I used to hate this but I have gotten a lot better. the reason I used to hate it is because I have sensitive ears being that close really, really, really hurts my ears, to the point where I can't even hear the music. Also I hate being squashed in with all those people. Its probably the Aspie part of me that hates these things. But I've gotten a lot better now. The loudness hardly bothers me any more, even at indoor concerts. I can stand in the front row with Diana without feeling like I'm in physical pain anymore, and I've learned to ignore the people around me. What some people don't always understand about me is that i just don't have these certain social skills that other people take for granted. Even stupid little things, like what should I do with my coat, I'm really hot so I should take it off, but should I hold it, or put it on the stage, or find somewhere else for it, or take it back out to the car, or what... sends me into a spinning cycle of anxiety! As for music and crowds, my parents used to take me and my brother to festivals with music all the time when I was little, but I was never one of those kids who would be up front dancing and having fun, even back then. I was always one of those kids who would be up at the top of the hill away from the music, covering my ears because the noise was too loud, and wanting to cry because the darkness and crowds made me scared! Even when I was ten or eleven! I just don't have that in me! But I really thought I have gotten better... I am better at going to the regular bar now where they don't have concerts, even when the music is loud, I have fun there and can play darts or video games or whatever or just sit there and I'm not really as nervous there. And as for the concert, I do like listening to that music, which is music I was probably listening to before Diana ever did, because my uncle used to play it for us in his room and make tapes for us and stuff. It always reminds me of my uncle and my little brother. But I do not, and most likely never will, like to "dance around" or do crowd participation stuff. Its just too much. I am happy to just stand and listen to the music and watch the people playing and all the lights and stuff, and it is just a show to me, and I like it but I am no good at being outwardly socially appropriate or whatever. So yesterday we were there and Jimmy kept walking away, and i was standing with Diana, and she was dancing, and then she looked at me and got a really disappointed look in her eyes and said, "I miss Anthony." At that moment my spirits crashed to the floor, broke into a million pieces, and got crushed. And then she wanted to go back to the regular bar instead. So somehow Jimmy and Diana got into a huge fight in the car, in which Jimmy had heard Diana saying something about Anthony and was mad about that, and Diana was saying she thought we weren't having fun at the band and that she was being nice to want to go back to the other bar, and they were just screaming and screaming, and I was covering my ears but could hear Diana keep saying, "and you leave me with Nicki who JUST STANDS THERE?" The end result was that Jimmy pulled the car into the parking lot of the other bar, jumped out and left us. Then Diana was really upset and crying and yelling, and I said I could drive the car home, but Diana said no, and then she told me to get out and walk home. So I did. it was only two blocks or so but snowy, and by the time I got home I was spinning like crazy! i went in and saw Jimmy and said, "You left me there and Diana made me get out and walk home, and I never even wanted to go in the first place!" Jimmy said, "Well, sorry," and then I couldn't breathe and couldn't breathe and couldn't breathe. It was the first time I had a WHOLE panic attack, where I couldn't breathe at all and couldn't see or nothing, in like forever. Then Jimmy was holding me and saying, "calm down, calm down, pet the dog, pet the dog!" and thats all I really remember until I saw Diana come home and say, "You didn't come back for me, you just went to bed?" Then the night continued on and on because I could not sleep at all, I was just laying there and laying there and laying there. Then I fell asleep at like six in the morning, and at six-forty-five Abby was waking me up by climbing on me and jumping on me!And i felt really sick and sore, my head was killing me and my chest was hurting, which is from the anziety attack, because your body freaks out and sends you so much addrenaline that you can't even handle it, and because when you can't breathe your lungs are gasping so much that it makes them sore and makes your rib cage sore and everything. So I mostly slept all day long, and slept and slept and slept, and Jimmy woke me up to eat breakfast and then I went to sleep again.
It all started because of me, that huge fight between them was all because I'm not a regular person. Speaking of Anthony, he used to say Diana shouldn't hang out with me, he didn't want me around, because he said I was like a little old lady and I was no fun. I'm sorry to everyone, for what I am, and what I am not, and what I just cannot be.